We cannot continue to play these games with clearly stated lines that shall not be crossed. For the lines are made without a clear way to see when they have indeed been crossed, people will get hurt in such a manner that even forgiveness cannot heal them.
There is no easy way to say this. So I won't. I pride myself, oh yes pride, on never denying myself anything in this life. But I will deny myself this one thing because I know that my story will never truly go down this path. Only harm will come of it. And I'm quite sure that the people involved would never forgive me for it. This is the way it must be.
I accept it. But it will slowly kill me inside out.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Thursday, October 27, 2011
The Fears of an Ex-Romantic
A year ago I thought I was in love and I admit, I'm young and naive, especially in the matters of love. Even before high school, when we begin to grasp the affection, the sex, and the elegance of romance, we long for our happily ever after, our knight in shining armour or our princess with long hair and the other perfections. Until you've had your heart broken, not once, not even twice, ladies and gentlemen, but at least a dozen times can you finally stop labeling yourself as naive to love.
You'll know.
Not now.
Not tomorrow.
But you will certainly know.
For me, after the incident a year ago, a month long, pure infatuation that led to the crushing blow of reality, I was stupid.
I let my heart grow cold. And not just jaded, painfully icy. Where there is no such thing as romance, not even the most innocent forms, of preteens just having their first sip of the poison that is "love". I scoffed, I sneered. "Love? There is no love!" And this went on for about two months...okay, four.
I don't really remember what changed in the spring. Mayish-Juneish, you know that strange haze of a tranisition inbetween the solid months of seasons. Maybe my heart literally thawed out or more likely, I just got bored with being bitter.
My last year as a teenager, I am so entitled to get bored with things.
Or maybe the reality of love hit me.
Love is many strange and stupid and wicked thing. But it's also awesome, brilliant, and unforgettable.
It's an art and a mess, sometimes both. It will grow and it will fade, because it is human, in a way, like us.
I mean, don't we change? Our anger knows shades and degrees. If we can manage to pay attention to our annoyances and rages, we can even control it, at times. Is love any different?
Well, okay, yes and no. But here's what I learned in my something shy of twenty something years;
1. It hardly makes sense and you ruin it horribly if you rationalize it.
2. It's just as dangerous as it is fun. (Snakes, manipulation, etc. Even love follows laws of logic here.)
3. You don't always get what you give. (Whoever thought of this saying was incredibly optimistic.)
4. Blink and you'll miss it. If you never reach for the candy spilling from the pinata, you'll never have anything sweetie. (It's three in the morning, let me reach at these connections.)
5. Love is like a job, a family, a video game... you can't just get the real deal, the good stuff in the very beginning, your first relationship, no. You have to mess up, get hurt, hurt people and earn...I mean, learn what it means to you before you get even a clue what you really want. Trust me, it's going to hurt a thousand times worse for a million times longer and leave a scar a billion times worse than anything else. (Except for you know, the obvious. I.e. lobotomy....)
There's no escaping it. You have to go through all of the good and the bad and the ugly, it's like school. You hate it now, it retrospect you'll be grateful. Don't stomach it, fight it, hate it, and pick yourself back up even if it feels like the end of the world. Because it's not. If you need me to I can do the math that proves it is not the end of the world, for you, personally. I really don't mind. It works for my friends and strangers I find in the strangest of places.
Love is a hell lot like everything else. It will be sucky and gross and sometimes, you can have it but you won't want it. Oh wait, I remember why I started all this nonsense....sorry.
Z:He's told me outright that will end, you know eventually. It's nothing...you know...happily ever after, he's the one.
J:So, just because you know when milk expires do you stop putting it in your coffee?
Z*mind blown*
J:No. You enjoy it until it's over, you forget it isn't there anymore to put in your coffee and you're sad, but when you go to the store you're like, "Oh hai milk." and the cycle repeats.
Z:*mind still blown*
J: This is where you say love isn't like milk.
Z: ....What if the cereal gets jealous?
It might be too soon to say but I think he solved my issues in one go.
You'll know.
Not now.
Not tomorrow.
But you will certainly know.
For me, after the incident a year ago, a month long, pure infatuation that led to the crushing blow of reality, I was stupid.
I let my heart grow cold. And not just jaded, painfully icy. Where there is no such thing as romance, not even the most innocent forms, of preteens just having their first sip of the poison that is "love". I scoffed, I sneered. "Love? There is no love!" And this went on for about two months...okay, four.
I don't really remember what changed in the spring. Mayish-Juneish, you know that strange haze of a tranisition inbetween the solid months of seasons. Maybe my heart literally thawed out or more likely, I just got bored with being bitter.
My last year as a teenager, I am so entitled to get bored with things.
Or maybe the reality of love hit me.
Love is many strange and stupid and wicked thing. But it's also awesome, brilliant, and unforgettable.
It's an art and a mess, sometimes both. It will grow and it will fade, because it is human, in a way, like us.
I mean, don't we change? Our anger knows shades and degrees. If we can manage to pay attention to our annoyances and rages, we can even control it, at times. Is love any different?
Well, okay, yes and no. But here's what I learned in my something shy of twenty something years;
1. It hardly makes sense and you ruin it horribly if you rationalize it.
2. It's just as dangerous as it is fun. (Snakes, manipulation, etc. Even love follows laws of logic here.)
3. You don't always get what you give. (Whoever thought of this saying was incredibly optimistic.)
4. Blink and you'll miss it. If you never reach for the candy spilling from the pinata, you'll never have anything sweetie. (It's three in the morning, let me reach at these connections.)
5. Love is like a job, a family, a video game... you can't just get the real deal, the good stuff in the very beginning, your first relationship, no. You have to mess up, get hurt, hurt people and earn...I mean, learn what it means to you before you get even a clue what you really want. Trust me, it's going to hurt a thousand times worse for a million times longer and leave a scar a billion times worse than anything else. (Except for you know, the obvious. I.e. lobotomy....)
There's no escaping it. You have to go through all of the good and the bad and the ugly, it's like school. You hate it now, it retrospect you'll be grateful. Don't stomach it, fight it, hate it, and pick yourself back up even if it feels like the end of the world. Because it's not. If you need me to I can do the math that proves it is not the end of the world, for you, personally. I really don't mind. It works for my friends and strangers I find in the strangest of places.
Love is a hell lot like everything else. It will be sucky and gross and sometimes, you can have it but you won't want it. Oh wait, I remember why I started all this nonsense....sorry.
Z:He's told me outright that will end, you know eventually. It's nothing...you know...happily ever after, he's the one.
J:So, just because you know when milk expires do you stop putting it in your coffee?
Z*mind blown*
J:No. You enjoy it until it's over, you forget it isn't there anymore to put in your coffee and you're sad, but when you go to the store you're like, "Oh hai milk." and the cycle repeats.
Z:*mind still blown*
J: This is where you say love isn't like milk.
Z: ....What if the cereal gets jealous?
It might be too soon to say but I think he solved my issues in one go.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
remembering
It's really weird to look back at all the things, people, and moments that meant so much then and that influenced what i am now. Some moments feel like they aren't even mine. It's a different life, one i dreamed up, even if it only is two, three years ago. There are others that obviously stroke a vicious chord in me and led me to be so determined or so distant now.
And it's not sad. People come and go, things break and get replaced, moments can never be repeated. But it's not the best feeling ever.
It's just weird, and for the most part i would do it all over exactly like the first time.
And it's not sad. People come and go, things break and get replaced, moments can never be repeated. But it's not the best feeling ever.
It's just weird, and for the most part i would do it all over exactly like the first time.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Highs and lows
You're falsetto concern and half assed poetry, bring me into a new perspective. We don't have fun with absinthe and rum, posioned dream veil to hide your lack of personality. And even if that personality was a lie it would be half as good as you not having one. The illusion isn't painted up with glamour and corruption, it's hollow designed to crumble. What can i find in you, when you have walls built up and a heart that's MIA? I have my doubts i am to blame, maybe the problem truly lies with you.
So like asher roth maybe i just have to BE BY MYSELF.
So like asher roth maybe i just have to BE BY MYSELF.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Thursday, August 18, 2011
A time and a place
Identical, because you and i are each other's mirror. And not on the surface, in things we couldn't choose or control, but in the imagination, in our own little worlds, that revolve around each other and rarely stop to hesitate with the gravitational pull of others. We exist by our own rules, our own desires, the rest be damned. And not because we want to be different, we simply are. What would the others understand about-
letting go, considering others, the true depth of understanding.
They say we are self centered, when all we do is think about them and how they might feel, what they might think, how they might be hurt.
We say they are self centered because they never think of how they could avoid most of their stress and heartache, how they take away the happiness in others.
We're selfish because we live how we want, playing by a strict set of rules that protect others from ourselves.
They're selfish because they bend their rules to take away from others.
I'm a stupid selfish bitch because I spend petty cash in heartbeat.
But you'll always be worse because you never think of why those things are important to me.
Tell me, how does it feel to be the most significant reason as to why I smoke?
letting go, considering others, the true depth of understanding.
They say we are self centered, when all we do is think about them and how they might feel, what they might think, how they might be hurt.
We say they are self centered because they never think of how they could avoid most of their stress and heartache, how they take away the happiness in others.
We're selfish because we live how we want, playing by a strict set of rules that protect others from ourselves.
They're selfish because they bend their rules to take away from others.
I'm a stupid selfish bitch because I spend petty cash in heartbeat.
But you'll always be worse because you never think of why those things are important to me.
Tell me, how does it feel to be the most significant reason as to why I smoke?
Monday, August 15, 2011
Figured Out
a) fear of neglect and abandonment
b) the situation itself, because I like privacy.
c) the people. because I'm worried about the consequences
d) things not being stable, or significant.
....let's work on the solution....
b) the situation itself, because I like privacy.
c) the people. because I'm worried about the consequences
d) things not being stable, or significant.
....let's work on the solution....
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Watching the Show
Is it jealousy if I reflexively lash out because he's sleeping with one of my friends or is it out of fear that I turn into a psycho bitch? I'm guessing it's the latter, because the sex thing doesn't bother me that much. no really. It doesn't. It's the fear that this is going to be like every time before. (twice) where it became like he forgot about me and all the...fun...i guess we had together. Why? She's into comics, video games, pretty much the girl I could never be. But does that make me less valuable?
And now I sit in constant paranoia that he's just going to tell me he's done with me, because he has other girls to sleep with now. I blame myself partially because I've run under the cover sex once again. There's a lot I still don't know about him, and so much I would like to show him. But it's like...I don't have an in, a way to compete with others' history with him.
Murphy's law I suppose is what keeps fueling this paranoia. Because it always happens ,the second I get comfortable with people and have fun, it burns down faster than I can finish a cigarette. I can't even begin to fathom why. And it's keeping this little log of things that keeps me sane. I broke the first rule. Silly me. Getting attached, again. I don't think I can help it at this point. It is what adds to that little touch sincerity and makes the good and bad times even more real. Instead of trying to keep a good distance from everyone, knowing time is a friend to no one. I keep reminding myself ,(or at least trying to convince myself) that in a year I'll be gone, to another city, with other groups that I will be on the fringes of....
back to the point of this.
I shouldn't feel bad. I really shouldn't. I have all the qualities I want to have. True I do get a little off balance when something stresses me out and I have no way to distract myself.
Maybe I do have to learn to share....*shiver* I'm spoiled. Sharing is hard. Sharing anything, ANYTHING is hard. Secrets, moments, friends...everything. Can I tilt my head to see this from a perspective at least I know who the other girl is? Maybe. I don't know yet.
I kind of need a slap in the face. I'm sure of that now. Because it's a reflex to play "doll" and run from things that stress me out. I need to find the frame of mind that won't force me to drink to ignore the stress and spend days sleeping.
Focus. Come on Z. Focus.
And now I sit in constant paranoia that he's just going to tell me he's done with me, because he has other girls to sleep with now. I blame myself partially because I've run under the cover sex once again. There's a lot I still don't know about him, and so much I would like to show him. But it's like...I don't have an in, a way to compete with others' history with him.
Murphy's law I suppose is what keeps fueling this paranoia. Because it always happens ,the second I get comfortable with people and have fun, it burns down faster than I can finish a cigarette. I can't even begin to fathom why. And it's keeping this little log of things that keeps me sane. I broke the first rule. Silly me. Getting attached, again. I don't think I can help it at this point. It is what adds to that little touch sincerity and makes the good and bad times even more real. Instead of trying to keep a good distance from everyone, knowing time is a friend to no one. I keep reminding myself ,(or at least trying to convince myself) that in a year I'll be gone, to another city, with other groups that I will be on the fringes of....
back to the point of this.
I shouldn't feel bad. I really shouldn't. I have all the qualities I want to have. True I do get a little off balance when something stresses me out and I have no way to distract myself.
Maybe I do have to learn to share....*shiver* I'm spoiled. Sharing is hard. Sharing anything, ANYTHING is hard. Secrets, moments, friends...everything. Can I tilt my head to see this from a perspective at least I know who the other girl is? Maybe. I don't know yet.
I kind of need a slap in the face. I'm sure of that now. Because it's a reflex to play "doll" and run from things that stress me out. I need to find the frame of mind that won't force me to drink to ignore the stress and spend days sleeping.
Focus. Come on Z. Focus.
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