Opening up, Looking in.

They all had dark eyes, every color of the rainbow. Lucinda's was violet, Julian's green, Gabriel's a wicked shade of blue, and the Youngest's was orange. They kept their eyes narrow, for if eyes are the window to the soul, shouldn't they be able to decide who comes in?

Lucinda, the original Youngest, sat far across the room from her. She was disturbed by the child's silent nature. People who kept quiet either knew more than they let on or knew nothing at all. She couldn't be trusted. And as Julian almost shared his twin sister's feelings toward the newcomer, he knew they should treat her kindly, and show her the ways of the City. But neither Gabriel or Lucinda would allow that, talking in their backwards ways to confuse the observant child.

"Have you ever wondered that maybe it's someone to blame for what happened to us?" Lucinda whispered. Gabriel scoffed.

"They had a chance to save us from ourselves, and look what they did. Turn their backs on us without a second glance. And yet of all the people in this godforsaken City, you keep going back. They don't want us."

This used to be a blow to Lucinda, a feeling as if being stabbed in the heart would blossom in her chest, but tonight there was no feeling. She had successfully nummbed herself to that pain. "No. There's something there. I need to know."

The child frowned. Reason. Curiosity. That's what drove Lucinda.

"But," Julian joined in, looking apologetic to the Youngest, "If you're asking that question, you already know the answer. You always do."

"I just want to proven wrong."

Gabriel's sarcastic amusement diminished into annnoyance. He shook his red dredlocks, "Maybe two months ago, you would've been wrong. But after what we did, and what they've done. There's no way you couldn't be wrong now..."

"What are you talking about?" A small voice came from the lips of the child nestled in the couch. Jack, their gaurdian, had dressed her in white, like a doll, which Lucinda found entirely too eerie for her. "Who are they? Why does Luci care about them? Why is Gabriel mad?"

Gabriel looked at Lucinda, "Don't answer. She's aiming for ann emotional opening. Did you catch the tone?"

Julian tried to defend her, but it lacked conviction. "Oh come Gabe. She's just a child."

"And so were we. We were the same age as she when we started. But people were dumber then, and had no idea what we wanted."

Regret. Sorrow. Confusion. This is what gripped them and they protected themselves by being distant. It was...pitiful.

"How cold." Lucinda stared directly into the child's eyes. "You think because we're distant, we're to be pitied. But we're not distant because we're hurt. Not entirely. We're distant to present a challenge. How far would you go to get in? How much do you really want to know?"

"Seems like you're asking a lot of people who don't know you, yet. Why not be open?"

Julian and Gabriel who had been day dreaming, immediately turned to Lucinda at the word "open". It was a part of Luci's problem, opening up. But she laughed. "Why don't you be open with us and see where the problem really lies?"

Manip. You. Later.

Some people would find to be a disgusting trait. It is in fact an art, in that it uses the mind alone to craft a masterpiece of illusion and conviction. It's like acting only on a far more psychological level than distracting someone from reality. I can't help it. I admire the manipulations other people perform, I have to. It took time and effort and real thought and if the results are horrific and painful, I'm only elated by them.

Does that make me an ugly person? No. The ends usually justify the means don't they? Won't they? And if at least one person is benefitted from the ruin of another does that stop it from being bad? Perhaps. See, manipulation is black and white, China and United States. It's the Frenchie bit of society, a bit questionable, a bit artistic, and a hell lot of fun. If it done properly.

So the goal of this summer, find the grey of manipulation and use it to get the one thing I want most. It's tangible before you go thinking it's some emotion a person cannot achieve in the solace of his mind. It's very tangible and the best part?

If I can pull it off, it will be my best work to date.

And, being me, I do have a lot of "best works".

Prepping.

I'm extremely nervous about my two month trip to Trinidad and now I've been informed my major way of communication, texting, will be cut off. I'm very attatched to my phone. I can't help it. It's the way I communicate with most of my friends. There's always facebook, twitter, myspace, bebo, but I've never been big on social networking through a computer. What will happen when I come back and everyone has changed? What if I change? I probably will, Trinidad does tend to have that effect on people. I hope I don't end up dreading every day in Trinidad, and it becomes more about business than pleasure. I desperately want someone to come with me, so there will always be that more personal communication, a consistent break from this alternate reality.

And it is an alternate reality. It's like going to a different planet. Which isnt' to say that this island is full of questionable content, but it does have different social customs than here in Dinky Dinkle Town. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like, that's how different it is.

On the upside, it'll be an adventure. And I get to go to fashion week the second I land. See, look, things are looking better already. Now if only I can find a small laptop to take with me that lets me watch youtube, and multitask like nobody's business.

Off to pack, and freak out more about my journey. Oh wait!

Since my phone will be on standby for the duration of my stay, I'll be using this more often to keep you all informed of my misadventures. The fastest way to contact me will be through email, facebook, or here via comments. Ugh...no phone. flippin' the muffin out.

Miranda the Zune

Expectations
I guess I'm not allowed to have expectations of people anymore. Take it as it comes right? I clearly don't live up to people's expectations of me and I don't really have any of other people. But wait. I do. When people disappoint me, I expected them to. When I go after something, I expect that I'll fail. So my entire life and approach towards my life has been nothing but expectations. No wonder I'm unhappy, I've just been making a scene running in circles and throwing tantrums because little Z did not get what she want. But looking at it from another perspective: when people have expected me to react badly to something, I surprise them. Maybe you're life is built around expectations and you're just as wrong as I am. The difference between the two of us is that I'll try to find things in people and accept of them, you'll never change. Will you?

Annoyance
Want to know an awful truth about me that won't be true in the very near future? My friends unexpected (on my part) happiness does not make me happy. In fact it makes me quite miserable. Do you know why? And it's only partly because I'm an attention whore. Or maybe it's because I'm totally an attention whore. It makes me sad that their happiness almost puts a barrier between us. I'm almost afraid to ruin their happiness, so I'll accept the barrier and not talk to them until their happiness fades. Then when they're miserable and kind of in that inbetween happiness we'll talk and I'll push them to pursue their happiness. It's a cycle. Ha. Story of my life.

Which does not mean that you shouldn't tell me about your happy times. I'll just be a little sad and still very very happy for you nonetheless.

Smoking
Smoking is very important to me I just found. The feel of lighting up, the slow inhale filling my lungs and then the sweet exhale of the flavor sliding down my tongue. It's heaven in my tedious sheep filled hell. It calms me down like no other. I helps me focus when I'm under obnoxious amounts of stress and that's perfect. That's all I've ever wanted. Find me someone who can have that same effect on me and maybe I'll change my mind about marriage.

Tarot Reading 3/2/10

I'm in a state to learn new things, but I'm spending all my energy on fleeting excitement that doesn't give me the pleasure I actually need. Impulsiveness. I wonder who the Queen of Pentacles was in my past... I feel lucky... Relationship issues, but I don't think their mine. There's already been evidence of other people's relationships breaking down and I'm just reaping the benefits and helping where I can. This is the turning point, (duh, I'm turning 18...), women apparently or the feminine side of the male character are something I should be aware of...justice, and finally success.

hmm, go figure.

wants

I want:

*to fix/ get a new laptop
*get photo editing software
*to make an music album
*bring my grades up to c's before quarter
*get a juicy bag
*dress up for alice in wonderland
*get a new ipod
*come up with something to do in lieu of graduation
*manage my time better
*go see cirque du soleil

yep.

Waking up

I miss the summer. I miss smoking in the summer, the freedom of the summer, and the fun that came with summer. Any other season I feel confined, almost restless with responsibilities I didn't choose.

I don't like how school made the summer so significant. If anything I would have cherished the fall more without it, and found the winter to be refreshing. Instead of daunting and icky and horrible. I guess because it's school and there are many other demands wanting to be answered, we don't pay attention to ourselves as we should. Then the summer comes and we see a lot of other people's repressed parts and we're realize we don't want what we thought we wanted and then we are born anew just in time for school to start.

So our lives only really mean anything to us in the summer. The thought of it plays like some weird high school movie in my head. Hmm...

But now I'm graduating. Free to choose the responsibilities I can commit to and want of myself. That's why I chose to go college. Because I want to. My father even said I could drop out as long as I had plan of what to do with my life. Daddy ain't raise no bums. But this is my decision and that's makes me incredibly happy.

Good bye old friends! Good bye old school! Good bye old homes! Good bye dinky little town!

I think I'm afraid though. That in all my excitement I'm throwing away the things I really need. Like a family close by, friends down the street, but I never existed here. I was always off dreaming of the summer to come.