One day I'll make brownies.

Someone left something on the counter last night. There is a huge mess. Of ants. Ants and stale food. Good morning to you too.

I don't have half the confidence to live my life the way I would like to. I don't have the confidence to say no or to just watch. It's almost out of habit that I participate. I have to. Regardless of telling myself, "Not this time." If anyone tried to help me with this, I would be offended. I would think they're trying to tell me, "Look you're a nice person, we like you, but we're going to distant ourselves from you. You're trouble and we can't handle trouble." Apparently that was theme of last week. I'm pretty sure that most people would get defensive and keep doing the thing that got them this reputation of trouble more, but if I'm not like that. I note who likes what, who likes who, what someone's favorite drink is. Whatever. I change and I have to wait for someone new to see.

Life is turning out to be one big guilt trip after another.

I don't think I'm a bad person. Not entirely at least. I just have moments where I get sick of going out of my way for someone and the same people telling me I don't do anything. It feels a lot like I'm handing you a cake and you're slapping me in the face.

I don't like fighting. Physically. Verbally, eh, different story, but physically I can't handle.

"Afraid you'll get hurt....? W.I.M.P."

That's not it at all. It's the fear of there being a point where I'll be on top/winning/presented with the opportunity to either keep slamming a person's face against the pavement or stop. I'm afraid I'll like it too much and keep going to the damage is irreversible. I've gotten in fights before, when I was younger, recently, like three years ago and I didn't stop hurting them till someone made me. That's why I don't fight. Ever. You could keep beating me up and the most I would do is move away from you.

I'm like a panther. A caged panther. Nice to look at, hard to befriend.

Before it was people not liking me and now, I'm sure they're avoiding me. Which doesn't hurt me, much. It just means I'll be keeping my distance from everyone. I'm a little tired of fixing bridges. Maybe I'm just a little tired of burning them.