Lashing out like a cat on fire

I don't like to talk to people about how and what i'm feeling. Usually I just lash out at anyone who comes close enough and fuck up that friendship, only to return ten minutes later to apologize. /sigh will I ever learn?

Haven't talked to anyone really since I got back. Except 4 people I consider essential to my existence. I could make more friends. That's not hard. But keeping them...I tend to lose interest within a few hours? Days? I'm running out of distractions to help time pass and I don't even know what I'm running from. My past maybe? But I don't even remember that. It seems like some far off dream, even though it was only a few months. Maybe I'm blinded by jealousy. That might be it. And I never really understood how it comes up and how to kill it. Is it fear? Or maybe, just maybe I'm actually normal and there's nothing wrong with me just that I want something to be.

Before the trip, I was in love with the thought of my death. Like it was constantly on my mind, thinking about open the car door and sliding out on to the pavement, going for a late night drive and slamming into a wall or off a hill side. And I'm small so pretty much anything will kill me. And the reason none of that came to be? Simply the fear of not having anyone come to my funeral. Because death by itself is pretty lonely, but if no one came in my last few minutes above ground? Well then I've been dead a very long time. And who would make sure the right people knew about my death? What about Prava and Jeremy, and maybe even Jacob? See most of friends don't even know who they are.

After the trip, I stopped caring about my death, and the lack of actual friends I had and Kayleena and Lawrence helped with that I guess. But Kay's gone, Lawrence is leaving, and now my father is leaving for Trinidad soon. I don't remember exactly what I was trying achieve here. By one, coming back to California in the first place, and two being Zakkarrii. But I don't think I'm that person anymore. The drama queen, attention whore, bad Lady Gaga remake. Nope. Don't see any traces of that.

Maybe my biggest fear is slipping back into that person. It feels like standing in the dark, with a door to the past just ajar and tempting. I could go back to what I know. Or I could keep going further into the dark and finding out the presently unknown.

Or I could sit and smoke and waste more time than ever. Lol. Decisions, decisions.