wants

I want:

*to fix/ get a new laptop
*get photo editing software
*to make an music album
*bring my grades up to c's before quarter
*get a juicy bag
*dress up for alice in wonderland
*get a new ipod
*come up with something to do in lieu of graduation
*manage my time better
*go see cirque du soleil

yep.

Waking up

I miss the summer. I miss smoking in the summer, the freedom of the summer, and the fun that came with summer. Any other season I feel confined, almost restless with responsibilities I didn't choose.

I don't like how school made the summer so significant. If anything I would have cherished the fall more without it, and found the winter to be refreshing. Instead of daunting and icky and horrible. I guess because it's school and there are many other demands wanting to be answered, we don't pay attention to ourselves as we should. Then the summer comes and we see a lot of other people's repressed parts and we're realize we don't want what we thought we wanted and then we are born anew just in time for school to start.

So our lives only really mean anything to us in the summer. The thought of it plays like some weird high school movie in my head. Hmm...

But now I'm graduating. Free to choose the responsibilities I can commit to and want of myself. That's why I chose to go college. Because I want to. My father even said I could drop out as long as I had plan of what to do with my life. Daddy ain't raise no bums. But this is my decision and that's makes me incredibly happy.

Good bye old friends! Good bye old school! Good bye old homes! Good bye dinky little town!

I think I'm afraid though. That in all my excitement I'm throwing away the things I really need. Like a family close by, friends down the street, but I never existed here. I was always off dreaming of the summer to come.

A refusal for love

"You must forgive me. Your...proposal had taken me almost entirely by surprise. But you had hinted at the favor I held with you, and your affection never strayed from me. You mustn't be upset with me, I understand love, you know. Your infatuation with me is only in what you think of me. You don't know me, dear. I'm not a nice person. In fact, I'm probably not a very loyal person. Ask anyone if you will. See, your tears are already starting to dry with the thought of that. If you do really love me, you'd interject, and point out my flaws and how you can accept me for me. But you haven't, so you don't, and your heart will heal against me. Don't fret little love, you'll find happiness soon."

The little gossamer faerie flitted off away from the minxet, who did not sigh with sorrow for the damage he'd done. Lucinda, the younger Williams twin, and Olivia, the mortal in the City, stepped out of the alley to stand beside him. Lucinda pulled out a cigarette wrapped in purple paper and lit it without a match. In one long drag, she sighed, electric green smoke framing her unreadable face.

"Now, why did you go do a thing like that?" She asked Carl, the half cat, half heartbreaker in the street. "She almost loved you and those are hard to come by in the City."

"She wasn't good enough for me. A twitty little pure bred gossie? With me? I deserve something exotic for it's what I am. A rival, someone to admire and be admired by. Equal in my grace and beauty."

Lucinda nodded, but Olivia stood aghast. "That's not love at all!"

Carl turned his fierce gaze on her. "But isn't it, child? There are different degrees of love and there are different ways of giving and receiving love. Mine is obsession, not mindless infatuation. Can you blame me for wanting someone I can cherish as they are perfect in my eyes or should I snatch up the first person who wanders by professing love? Don't speak to me of truth in romance when you have yet to find it yourself."

Olivia felt very small all of a sudden as if she were just barely big enough to not slip into the drain beneath the curb. Lucinda flicked her cigarette, spilling hot pink ash all over the wet pavement. "You're both wrong. But at least one of you knows you're wrong and can live with it."

-the carnival

On things like "Labyrinth"

This is conversation I would most likely have with a random person at my school. Let's call them... Meghan.

Meghan: Like O.M.G! You're song the labyrinth was soooo cool. I mean I sooo want a boyfriend to come take me out of my labyrinth. Because I'm like always overthinking shit and stuff.

Z: It's not about love. I wrote more with the idea of socializing in mind. A lot of people just sit around and wait to be included, but it's the same thing in every aspect of life, you have to be active about the life you want. And I'm pretty sure everyone overthinks things now. Which makes me feel less weird about myself. Yay!

Meg: But wasn't the labyrinth about loneliness and heartache?

Z: No. It was about pride and thinking, "Those people over there are like me, so I'll just not talk to them." The labyrinth is the wall between ourselves and everyone else. It's there because we think we need to be guarded against the world (or the world from us...either way, you know some people....). Lovers or friends, each moment is an opportunity to step a little out of our personal labyrinth and explore someone else's.

Meg: That sounds complicated and depressing.

Z: ...because it isn't simple like your poppy, main stream love songs?

(Which I don't hate by the way. I just prefer my music to like...make me feel something complex.)

Meg: Is all your stuff like this?

Z: Yep. And everyone thinks it's about me, being emotional and needing to be loved. Tsk tsk people out there. Tsk. TSK. I like things to be...dark and light I guess. Simple with a twisted variable to make it my own. I like my subjects of choice to be seemingly depressing/dark/simple/bright with something that balances out that borderline "um...wtf" potential.

So...yeah.

Labyrinth

Somebody who loves me come save me
Because life is sinking down here
Can't find my way out of the labyrinth
and I've forgotten how to feel fear.

Be my light, be my light
at the end of the tunnel
show me how to see dear
stop the darkness before takes all
and if I find a reason why
you can claim everything.
No poison, no antidote
it's an easier dream.

Somebody who loves me come save me
Because life is sinking down here
Can't find my way out of the labyrinth
and I've forgotten how to feel fear.

No doubt we'll find it,
half awake and half waking round sir
Waking up and still dreaming
crawling through the heat and the briar
And they say, you can't do a dame
any better than she
Because she's the only one
who could ever believe.

Labyrinth, labyrinth, closing in on me
silence darling and knock me free
hold my hand, guide me out
and you'll know what I let you doubt

Somebody who loves me come hear me
Because life is changing round here.
See my way out of the labyrinth
and I remember how to feel, dear.

Hesitation

maybe things will be better now that I really have a plan. Going to school in San Francisco, getting an awesome apartment, with a wonderful room mate and waking up to watch the sun rise over my paradise. That's all I want. No boyfriends, no best friends, no one who'll pull me away from my dream. A job would be nice though, so I can stock my little closet with tons of clothes until the neighbors complain there are random jeans slipping into their wardrobe.

But what about now? I'm so caught up in the future, I don't even feel like i exist in the present. It's already my past....hmm, oh well.

Guess I'll just curl up and read (get warped into alternate realities, my poor friends) and study. I lied, it seems there are no parties for little Z.

Thick Glass, Distorted Reflections

I'm pretty sure I won't be remembered when I die, which is the only thing I want out of life. To be remembered, to be loved. But I'm a freak. As the oldest child, I don't live up to the hype. As the grandchild to a legacy, I'm a disappointment. And although my body is wonderful, I don't have the face or personality to match. I love nothing more than being proved wrong, getting gifts, and meeting new people. I don't like ice cream, pie (except pumpkin) and eat frosting out of the tin. I eat till I'm about ready to throw up, and it's because I like tasting food, chewing, swallowing. Sometimes I don't eat for days. I can't make myself show emotions I don't actually feel, and I can't ( or won't) hide any of mine. I'm a jealous person. I'm violently impulsive. I smoke because it feels like coming home, but lately I want to smoke less. I don't ever take my phone with me when I smoke, unless I don't have a choice. I hate driving. I hate opening up to people who will just try and judge me, instead of accept me. I'm pretty sure people just think I'm full of shit, so therefore I think I'm full of shit. I hate people who tell other people that they aren't special, that they aren't unique. Because everyone has something that makes them, them. And just because traits are similar, how they got those traits aren't. The combination of traits will never repeat itself. Sometimes people just need to be told they are original, and all the pretenious fucks- it doesn't even matter. I bite my nails. I fidget and break things all the time. I read fast, I never forget a book. Imitation without a slight variation sickens me. I don't eat a lot of fruit or vegetables, except olives, mushrooms, and grapes. I can finish two liters of soda within an hour. If I'm upset, I take a pill of imiphram. If I can't get a pill, I smoke a lot till my throat hurts. If I can't smoke, I cry, and yell at the people I'm not mad at. My biggest fears are rejection and the dark. I'm paranoid.

Sometimes this doesn't feel like me at all.