early morning wandering

SO I can’t fall asleep till I write this. It’ll just nag me until it escapes into the world that is the internet.
Emotionally, anything that bothers me I’m never going to tell you when it actually bothers me. Last night I seriously just didn’t want to go home and be myself and cry myself to sleep again, because of some social disturbance that I couldn’t rectify by the sheer power that is Z. So I went to my friend’s house, but I couldn’t talk to him about it. Because 1) he’s not the problem, so he’s not the answer. 2) He probably won’t care enough to help me. So I just repressed it and tried to cheer myself up.
But I don’t tell people anything really. Does anyone? Why not? I’m sure almost all our problems could easily be resolved if we could just accept people and understand where they’re coming from. But no one tells anyone anything, it’s all guess work and life shouldn’t really be trial and error. It should be peaceful and full of self contentedness. It’s like we’re working against each other subconsciously.
Maybe I am just a whore and lack the emotional depth to form any intellectual relationship with people. I mean, that’s why the people I would like to be friends with won’t allow that to happen, because they can see through the pretentious mask that is Diva. But I’m beginning to doubt the mask concept that is the Diva. Maybe I am more like her than I’m willing to accept. My Halloween costume is a slutty school girl where midriff is bare and the skirt doesn’t even come down to mid thigh. Let’s not even get into how much of my bra we can see. But here’s the werid thing. I’m totally comfortable with it. I have a wonderful body and I feel totally comfortable being exposed in public. But it’s so frowned upon it scares me. I mean if you know me then you know that this is a wow thing, not like “Oh she is slut, so this is like her uniform when she’s working the room”. I doubt my attractiveness because I’m always by myself and have yet to be kidnapped. And it’s not like it would be hard. I weigh nothing. No muscle to speak of. And nobody is going to save me. Lol
Maybe that’s what bothers me the most, because no matter what I do no one gives a shit about me, but I find myself pleasing people and flattering their egos. All my relationships are like that, except for two. And that’s only because we’re so alike our problems don’t get in the way of our relationship. Probably because I didn’t bother tell people the truth anymore. Even more recently I don’t care who knows my secrets now. Being honest is relieving, yet discouraging. I’m setting up walls and keeping people at a sexual distance. It’s not even satisfying anymore. I haven’t been turned on since I left for Trinidad. No interest what so ever. Funny, all that the people that used to act like they wanted to get to know me, now don’t bother because there’s no sex there. But I’m not satisfied because I didn’t get to delve into their minds and their personal lives and live vicariously through them.
And there is one guy who could possibly get through to me and show me how none of this is true. I’ve got a wicked personality, an attitude to be reckoned with, and an exotic beauty that is unmatched. But there’s no conviction there sweeties. Not one iota.

Maybe I don't know who I am anymore, not because I'm confused or lost, but I simply don't care really. Interesting.