I shot the sheriff

You see, there's this thing. Called your mind.
It typically works in a certain way.
When something unfavorable happens you are conditioned to react a certain way.
Your past experiences affect your reaction greatly.
For example:
If as a child your parents fought, and it upset you. The sounds and tones used in that situation will continue to upset you in your progression through and to adulthood. Even if the original parties are not involved.

My parents fought consistently for a couple years before the divorce. And being a curious child I always listened. I was curious. Now, as my parents have been divorced for several years, explitives such as "Fuck" and "Bitch" still send my heart racing. It makes me so uneasy, I've replaced those same words in my language to "muffin" and "kitten". Call it a coping mechanism if you will.

It's interesting to see how similar people are once you really break it down. We all have problems with relationships. We all are afraid we cannot be loved. We all need to feel loved. The difference comes in in how obtain our so called idea of love.

Mine? I'm not sure. Being the person that I am, I am either absolutely enthralled with you and will go to anything lengths to please you or I generally keep a firm wall of no emotional exposure on my part, and complete and a total emotional poker face when helping you through your moments. It could be abandonment. My mother essentially abandoned me, so there's a longing for maternal care I possess and try to impose on people. It could be simply allowing myself to become disillusioned with the idea of absolute trust stemming from disappointment. It may even have something to do with that pesky inconsistent emotional and intellectual confindence.

Why this topic for tonight? Simple. Extremely emotinal problems do not bother me when I can take them on one at a time. But that's never the way it is, is it? One becomes several and then my inability to cope makes me 1)impulsive and 2) withdrawn. I cannot stand generally angry people or generally unhappy people who never say anything positive and in a world where communication is so wired, what you say holds a lot of sway with people. I happen to be surrounded with these sorts of people. They critize me for their own faults, accuse me of traits I don't possess and believe they know how I'll act in a certain situation. That's another type of person I can't stand, people who think they know you and then never take in the new information of what you aren't.

I'm a typically good person. I can be bitchy, selfish, and indifferent at times but that's on occassion. The sum of my parts should cancel out the stupidity people seem think is there. Eventually, if you and I have been friends long enough and you fall into one of the categories above, you'll see I no longer will care what answer I give you. You essentially make up the story to fit your personal image of me. And that's not to say you have a vendetta against me, that's simply how you are. I can't bothered to be truthful with people who don't acknowledge the truth itself.

Once upon a time, I believed there was something wrong with me. I had to be sick, because people were unhappy with me regardless of what I did. I got so wrapped in pleasing other people, I forgot how to please myself, as cliche as that is. But the further away I got from the source of my depression and anxiety, the less I saw wrong with myself, the more I saw me for what I truly was. Sometimes, being back in California and not in Trinidad, I need to remind myself that I am a truly brilliant person and not the wicked harlot that people seem to love to associate with me.

For all those people with relationship problems, here's a touch of advice.
The more you yell, the less they hear.

but I did not shoot no deputy.