Even in summer this house is freezing. I have the space heater on high and I'm still cold. If you love me, you'll notice there's actual color on the page, as opposed to the drab, dreary colors it used to be. That's something you probably don't know about me: I LOVE color. And clothes...but that's not why I'm here.
I'm in an extremely good mood. No need to fear, just whatever follows in posts to come will most likely not make sense. (But seriously, have they ever?)
Changes
Definitions
Observations
Questions
and, most importantly!!
Elongated Metaphors
You'll see, and you will love it.
You are dismissed.
ZeD
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Tilt your head back and close your eyes
It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Though it is seemingly pointless, there is a reason for the madness and I forgot that. Well, I forgot two things.
1. (Probably the most important) I write for myself. It shouldn't matter to me so much what other people think of the words I arrange on a screen. There are few exceptions, and even fewer I actually allow to circulate in my mind and distract me from my daily life (or absence of). The second I stopped for myself, was the moment I lost sight of what I really wanted. What's that you may ask? The purpose of my writing is to have an outlet for everything. Everything being anger, sadness, the happiness that I suppose gets me so high that a cease to be an acceptable individual of society (or seemingly so). I've trying to please other people and I'm done with it. I should be trying to please myself, which is technically impossible.
2. I forgot what two is. Maybe it'll come back to me before I finish writing. (It didn't return.)
The only kind of people I like are artists. Not particularly painters and writers and so on, but the people who care about the way a sentence is phrased and the words that are chosen. The kind of people who can look at something, understand it and know how to heighten the expression one is trying to convey. This is to me a factor in determining how intelligent a person is, for it is nice to know something, but it's another thing entirely to know how to use it. I don't think it's necessarily attention I want from the people I do, but the opportunity to learn something more about the people I've chosen to attach myself to. I shouldn't sit and beg for it, but rather take my time and enjoy the brief (or the elongated) moments I do get.
Anti Matter- N.E.R.D
1. (Probably the most important) I write for myself. It shouldn't matter to me so much what other people think of the words I arrange on a screen. There are few exceptions, and even fewer I actually allow to circulate in my mind and distract me from my daily life (or absence of). The second I stopped for myself, was the moment I lost sight of what I really wanted. What's that you may ask? The purpose of my writing is to have an outlet for everything. Everything being anger, sadness, the happiness that I suppose gets me so high that a cease to be an acceptable individual of society (or seemingly so). I've trying to please other people and I'm done with it. I should be trying to please myself, which is technically impossible.
2. I forgot what two is. Maybe it'll come back to me before I finish writing. (It didn't return.)
The only kind of people I like are artists. Not particularly painters and writers and so on, but the people who care about the way a sentence is phrased and the words that are chosen. The kind of people who can look at something, understand it and know how to heighten the expression one is trying to convey. This is to me a factor in determining how intelligent a person is, for it is nice to know something, but it's another thing entirely to know how to use it. I don't think it's necessarily attention I want from the people I do, but the opportunity to learn something more about the people I've chosen to attach myself to. I shouldn't sit and beg for it, but rather take my time and enjoy the brief (or the elongated) moments I do get.
Anti Matter- N.E.R.D
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Dissection of a ZeD
There's a veil between what a person wants to show and what they really are. The moment the veil is removed, even for a second, a decision must be made. The viewer must either continue with the discovery of the now unmasked individual's personality or replace the veil and watch from the safe distance of uncertainty and amusement. Once the veil is removed and the person knows there is more to the stories then just mere thoughts, that there is some truth in the madness, something is lost, and something is gained. At a certain point the oppurtunity to return to the veil vanishes and the viewer must face the reality of another person being more or less than what they expected.
I don't want to disappoint anyone.
So don't take off the veil.
I don't want to disappoint anyone.
So don't take off the veil.
I gotta feel you in my bones
"Forgive me," Why am I always asking to be forgiven? Why am I constantly apologizing for things that aren't my fault? "Forgive me, I am my father's child." "Forgive me, I didn't know." Forgive, forgive, forgive...not anymore.
It doesn't make sense. In case you haven't noticed, most of the things I do, don't make sense. It's where I excell. That isn't to say there isn't a purpose in it. There usually is. Maybe in some small part of me I knew things were going to get bad, so I started it now. So I wouldn't absolutely lose all self-control when something big happened. My parents have been in the process of getting a divorce for two years. The divorce isn't the big thing. It's the acceptance that it wasn't my fault, even though I asked them to get a divorce. They each asked me what I thought I should do. After watching my parents fight for years, and then how the seriousness of each fight and the difficulty of keeping my sisters in ignorance (because they were ten with this began, twelve when it got ridiculous) I said, "It would be better if you got a divorce." There was no stable home life to worry about destroying with not having two parents in one house. I love having two houses. Instead of wondering what life would have been like had they stayed together (which is what they do, all the time, and they take out all the hate towards the other parent on me) all I see is this being our life now. Nothing is going to change what happened, there's no point in dwelling on it. I wish my parents would settle and divide. More importantly, I don't want to be with my sisters.
Don't get me wrong. I love my sisters. I know they care, and I try to help them in small ways, since I can't always help them in major life changing ways at the moment. But they would be happier without me. I've noticed that they get along with both parents when I'm not there. I get along with my mother, (if you know me, then you know this is a big deal). I've tried to be an active memeber, I've tried to please everyone. But I can't love people, I don't trust, and I don't trust them with anything. I don't know what a "family" is supposed to be like, but I've always felt that this wasn't it. It's just a bunch of strangers, trapped by a strand of DNA. "You have to love your parents." I think you have to love them, like you would love anyone else. You step back, see all their faults, all their strengths, and you decide to love them, you decide to respect them, you decide to put your life in their hands. Maybe love is something else that escapes me, but that's how I see this.
I've been far more dependent on friends than family. The people I consider friends have always told me my faults, and have always helped me change into a better person. They have never lied to make me feel better about myself. Though they don't run behind me and point out all my flaws, they tell me what I'm good at to. I don't feel like a puppet with them, I don't have to do anything to please them. I can be myself and I don't have to worry about them saying it isn't right. For that, the honesty, I do everything I can to make them happy. Whether it be buying them lunch or just telling them that they mean everything to me. I have this family and friends thing backwards. Or maybe there's no real difference. I just made a family of my own.
"A family is to provide food, shelter, and love for their members." You have no idea do you?
All Over You- The Spill Canvas
It doesn't make sense. In case you haven't noticed, most of the things I do, don't make sense. It's where I excell. That isn't to say there isn't a purpose in it. There usually is. Maybe in some small part of me I knew things were going to get bad, so I started it now. So I wouldn't absolutely lose all self-control when something big happened. My parents have been in the process of getting a divorce for two years. The divorce isn't the big thing. It's the acceptance that it wasn't my fault, even though I asked them to get a divorce. They each asked me what I thought I should do. After watching my parents fight for years, and then how the seriousness of each fight and the difficulty of keeping my sisters in ignorance (because they were ten with this began, twelve when it got ridiculous) I said, "It would be better if you got a divorce." There was no stable home life to worry about destroying with not having two parents in one house. I love having two houses. Instead of wondering what life would have been like had they stayed together (which is what they do, all the time, and they take out all the hate towards the other parent on me) all I see is this being our life now. Nothing is going to change what happened, there's no point in dwelling on it. I wish my parents would settle and divide. More importantly, I don't want to be with my sisters.
Don't get me wrong. I love my sisters. I know they care, and I try to help them in small ways, since I can't always help them in major life changing ways at the moment. But they would be happier without me. I've noticed that they get along with both parents when I'm not there. I get along with my mother, (if you know me, then you know this is a big deal). I've tried to be an active memeber, I've tried to please everyone. But I can't love people, I don't trust, and I don't trust them with anything. I don't know what a "family" is supposed to be like, but I've always felt that this wasn't it. It's just a bunch of strangers, trapped by a strand of DNA. "You have to love your parents." I think you have to love them, like you would love anyone else. You step back, see all their faults, all their strengths, and you decide to love them, you decide to respect them, you decide to put your life in their hands. Maybe love is something else that escapes me, but that's how I see this.
I've been far more dependent on friends than family. The people I consider friends have always told me my faults, and have always helped me change into a better person. They have never lied to make me feel better about myself. Though they don't run behind me and point out all my flaws, they tell me what I'm good at to. I don't feel like a puppet with them, I don't have to do anything to please them. I can be myself and I don't have to worry about them saying it isn't right. For that, the honesty, I do everything I can to make them happy. Whether it be buying them lunch or just telling them that they mean everything to me. I have this family and friends thing backwards. Or maybe there's no real difference. I just made a family of my own.
"A family is to provide food, shelter, and love for their members." You have no idea do you?
All Over You- The Spill Canvas
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I'm a free man now, I don't need no strings
The way it flows into my mind is the equivalent of injecting a clear liquid flecked with brightly colored notes straight into the junkie veins. It shoots me up, gets me high, and makes everything return to a level of insanity I can function at and with. Without it even for a brief moment, what the world is really like without a soundtrack, slips out of the orbit of the norm and seems to be splitting apart at the seams. Music, in its sharps and flats, threads everything back together, every new song a dangerous concoction threatening and teasing to take you for a wild ride, no matter how peaceful the sound seems. It beckons, it bewitches, for a three minutes and forty two seconds the world can't touch you, for four minute and ten seconds, with Asher Roth and Cee Lo by your side the world can end right then and there, you can't be bothered. Melody with its poison mixed of heavy bass lines and special effects that only heighten not distract your experience, sends the relentless thoughts of an escape through an eternal sleep to trouble someone else. It's instant medicine, it's instant freedom, and at the right moment, it lasts hours not minutes. Trapped between the mesmerizing voices of lead and chorus, you're released from your anxiety for a moment. Music is like a lover, the kind that knows what kind of mood you're in, how to make everything better with just a few words. It dims the lights and takes us in to erase our troubles, not solve them, just save us from self destructing. That's what love is, isn't it? Knowing the rights and wrongs of someone else's personality, knowing what they need and how to take care of them. Knowing when to spoil and to deprive, it only aids us in the development of our being.
Music is my one true love. The one who will never leave.
Without it...
...nothing...
Be By Myself- Asher Roth feat. Cee Lo
Music is my one true love. The one who will never leave.
Without it...
...nothing...
Be By Myself- Asher Roth feat. Cee Lo
Saturday, May 9, 2009
and do what we do best
I've figured out it is entirely pointless for me to try and recapture any essence of my past selves. It's pointless because it's impossible. I've tried, I accept it. I won't fight it, I'll just learn from it.
I've also accepted my awareness of things that most people miss. Which means I miss most things most people get at a glance, always.
I could have been one of the social teenagers, I was on my way. Have yet to understand why I stopped. I know I don't want it as badly as I want to be myself as I am now. I'm almost jealous of Keeley's ability to flow the way I did in the beginning. Almost. I've forgotten how it's supposed to work, and I sort of don't care to learn. I look at them, looking at me. Do they think it's people didn't want to be my friend or that I simply didn't want to be theirs?
I feel bad. About something I did today. It's ridiculous. But I feel like I killed someone. Mmmm, so much money gone. And THEN! the delivery man makes a huge scene about my having one coupon, I didn't even know I needed a coupon, no one told me. I think he was mad I didn't tip him. I didn't because he was twenty minutes late and seriously the pizza sucked the cash out of my hand before I even had time to register it was there. On the upside I found money, so it doesn't really balance out.
I figured that at this age (when I was younger) I would have an assortment of talents, you know something one could turn into another better something. No such luck. It doesn't really make sense to me, because even the lowest people have something they're good at. What have I been doing so far? Not touching anything. And if I have been pressured into doing something, I do just enough to make it look like I did something substantial, please the people in charge and then leave as soon as possible. I don't like making mistakes, they eat away at me.
Then again:
No one is perfect. (I know, I'm just really really bad at a lot of the skills that would enable me to make it in this world.)
No one likes making mistakes. (Yeah, but no one replays it over and over till it becomes an obsession. While this would push people to try harder it completely discourages me from even waking up. I'll have to get over this eventually, but at the moment my mind is elsewhere.)
You'll be good at something. (And then I'll mess it up as flawlessly as possible.)
It could be worse. I could be insanely jealous of everyone else's achievements and hate them for being better than me. I could lock myself away entirely and just avoid talking to people with expectations, lives, and dreams so I don't ever have to worry about having my own be broken. I could, I could, and I have no idea what I will.
Probably do something drastic and scare the nonsense out of the few friends I do have.
Sexy- Black Eyed Peas
I've also accepted my awareness of things that most people miss. Which means I miss most things most people get at a glance, always.
I could have been one of the social teenagers, I was on my way. Have yet to understand why I stopped. I know I don't want it as badly as I want to be myself as I am now. I'm almost jealous of Keeley's ability to flow the way I did in the beginning. Almost. I've forgotten how it's supposed to work, and I sort of don't care to learn. I look at them, looking at me. Do they think it's people didn't want to be my friend or that I simply didn't want to be theirs?
I feel bad. About something I did today. It's ridiculous. But I feel like I killed someone. Mmmm, so much money gone. And THEN! the delivery man makes a huge scene about my having one coupon, I didn't even know I needed a coupon, no one told me. I think he was mad I didn't tip him. I didn't because he was twenty minutes late and seriously the pizza sucked the cash out of my hand before I even had time to register it was there. On the upside I found money, so it doesn't really balance out.
I figured that at this age (when I was younger) I would have an assortment of talents, you know something one could turn into another better something. No such luck. It doesn't really make sense to me, because even the lowest people have something they're good at. What have I been doing so far? Not touching anything. And if I have been pressured into doing something, I do just enough to make it look like I did something substantial, please the people in charge and then leave as soon as possible. I don't like making mistakes, they eat away at me.
Then again:
No one is perfect. (I know, I'm just really really bad at a lot of the skills that would enable me to make it in this world.)
No one likes making mistakes. (Yeah, but no one replays it over and over till it becomes an obsession. While this would push people to try harder it completely discourages me from even waking up. I'll have to get over this eventually, but at the moment my mind is elsewhere.)
You'll be good at something. (And then I'll mess it up as flawlessly as possible.)
It could be worse. I could be insanely jealous of everyone else's achievements and hate them for being better than me. I could lock myself away entirely and just avoid talking to people with expectations, lives, and dreams so I don't ever have to worry about having my own be broken. I could, I could, and I have no idea what I will.
Probably do something drastic and scare the nonsense out of the few friends I do have.
Sexy- Black Eyed Peas
Friday, May 1, 2009
It's so attractive and sensual
I get it now.
I'm sorry I took you so seriously. I should have known better. I should have listened to my heart when it protested and said this is just a bad dream. I fall in love so seriously, so quickly. Maybe you're not like that and I still have a lot to learn about you. Do you want me to?
Now I'm hungry for your attention all the time. Which is unhealthy. I should have known better. I should have stopped at the start. Or I should have been careful.
Is there anything you can do to change this? I don't know. I don't think so. I'm heartbroken right now, once again. By the same type of person who did it the last time.
I give up on this silly love game. For good. I seriously can't take the stress in addition to everything else. I used to like it so much but now....I'm tired of lying to myself. I so tired of letting myself get swept away by people who can figure me out with a glance. I loved you. I think I still do. Or I'm just numb.
I meant it. Every word. Everything I said to you, I meant.
But you didn't seem to care.
You seemed cold, insensitive, distant, and neglectful.
Tell me what you really are. You keep avoiding this question and if I push it....you say things that only make me turn away.
I love you. I really do. Why?
You're intelligent, you're bold. You're beautiful. I wanted someone who would give me things to read, things to look up, things to learn. Even if it was about you, I wanted to know. I want to know everything about you. I could never get bored of you. But I think you're bored with me. I'm sorry. I'm trying to remember how to let the words flow from my mind, but I've been trained to not open up.
I'm not her.
I'm young, I just want to learn.
I want to learn how to please you.
I love you because I couldn't figure you out from the first conversation.
I love you because of your mind, what you've shown me so far. And if there was something bad about you, I would let you know how I felt about it.
I'm not a job. I'm not like everyone else. Stop trying to place and just try and see me for who I am. I'm a person. Weird as I may be, confusing at times, I'm original and I wish you would stop trying to force me under one of the names of your exes.
I'm half afraid you'll look at this and how you'll react. But you should know by now how I feel, and the other part of me feels that I need to let this out.
I love you.
She Wants Revenge- What I Want
I'm sorry I took you so seriously. I should have known better. I should have listened to my heart when it protested and said this is just a bad dream. I fall in love so seriously, so quickly. Maybe you're not like that and I still have a lot to learn about you. Do you want me to?
Now I'm hungry for your attention all the time. Which is unhealthy. I should have known better. I should have stopped at the start. Or I should have been careful.
Is there anything you can do to change this? I don't know. I don't think so. I'm heartbroken right now, once again. By the same type of person who did it the last time.
I give up on this silly love game. For good. I seriously can't take the stress in addition to everything else. I used to like it so much but now....I'm tired of lying to myself. I so tired of letting myself get swept away by people who can figure me out with a glance. I loved you. I think I still do. Or I'm just numb.
I meant it. Every word. Everything I said to you, I meant.
But you didn't seem to care.
You seemed cold, insensitive, distant, and neglectful.
Tell me what you really are. You keep avoiding this question and if I push it....you say things that only make me turn away.
I love you. I really do. Why?
You're intelligent, you're bold. You're beautiful. I wanted someone who would give me things to read, things to look up, things to learn. Even if it was about you, I wanted to know. I want to know everything about you. I could never get bored of you. But I think you're bored with me. I'm sorry. I'm trying to remember how to let the words flow from my mind, but I've been trained to not open up.
I'm not her.
I'm young, I just want to learn.
I want to learn how to please you.
I love you because I couldn't figure you out from the first conversation.
I love you because of your mind, what you've shown me so far. And if there was something bad about you, I would let you know how I felt about it.
I'm not a job. I'm not like everyone else. Stop trying to place and just try and see me for who I am. I'm a person. Weird as I may be, confusing at times, I'm original and I wish you would stop trying to force me under one of the names of your exes.
I'm half afraid you'll look at this and how you'll react. But you should know by now how I feel, and the other part of me feels that I need to let this out.
I love you.
She Wants Revenge- What I Want
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