and do what we do best

I've figured out it is entirely pointless for me to try and recapture any essence of my past selves. It's pointless because it's impossible. I've tried, I accept it. I won't fight it, I'll just learn from it.

I've also accepted my awareness of things that most people miss. Which means I miss most things most people get at a glance, always.

I could have been one of the social teenagers, I was on my way. Have yet to understand why I stopped. I know I don't want it as badly as I want to be myself as I am now. I'm almost jealous of Keeley's ability to flow the way I did in the beginning. Almost. I've forgotten how it's supposed to work, and I sort of don't care to learn. I look at them, looking at me. Do they think it's people didn't want to be my friend or that I simply didn't want to be theirs?

I feel bad. About something I did today. It's ridiculous. But I feel like I killed someone. Mmmm, so much money gone. And THEN! the delivery man makes a huge scene about my having one coupon, I didn't even know I needed a coupon, no one told me. I think he was mad I didn't tip him. I didn't because he was twenty minutes late and seriously the pizza sucked the cash out of my hand before I even had time to register it was there. On the upside I found money, so it doesn't really balance out.

I figured that at this age (when I was younger) I would have an assortment of talents, you know something one could turn into another better something. No such luck. It doesn't really make sense to me, because even the lowest people have something they're good at. What have I been doing so far? Not touching anything. And if I have been pressured into doing something, I do just enough to make it look like I did something substantial, please the people in charge and then leave as soon as possible. I don't like making mistakes, they eat away at me.

Then again:
No one is perfect. (I know, I'm just really really bad at a lot of the skills that would enable me to make it in this world.)
No one likes making mistakes. (Yeah, but no one replays it over and over till it becomes an obsession. While this would push people to try harder it completely discourages me from even waking up. I'll have to get over this eventually, but at the moment my mind is elsewhere.)
You'll be good at something. (And then I'll mess it up as flawlessly as possible.)

It could be worse. I could be insanely jealous of everyone else's achievements and hate them for being better than me. I could lock myself away entirely and just avoid talking to people with expectations, lives, and dreams so I don't ever have to worry about having my own be broken. I could, I could, and I have no idea what I will.

Probably do something drastic and scare the nonsense out of the few friends I do have.

Sexy- Black Eyed Peas