"Forgive me," Why am I always asking to be forgiven? Why am I constantly apologizing for things that aren't my fault? "Forgive me, I am my father's child." "Forgive me, I didn't know." Forgive, forgive, forgive...not anymore.
It doesn't make sense. In case you haven't noticed, most of the things I do, don't make sense. It's where I excell. That isn't to say there isn't a purpose in it. There usually is. Maybe in some small part of me I knew things were going to get bad, so I started it now. So I wouldn't absolutely lose all self-control when something big happened. My parents have been in the process of getting a divorce for two years. The divorce isn't the big thing. It's the acceptance that it wasn't my fault, even though I asked them to get a divorce. They each asked me what I thought I should do. After watching my parents fight for years, and then how the seriousness of each fight and the difficulty of keeping my sisters in ignorance (because they were ten with this began, twelve when it got ridiculous) I said, "It would be better if you got a divorce." There was no stable home life to worry about destroying with not having two parents in one house. I love having two houses. Instead of wondering what life would have been like had they stayed together (which is what they do, all the time, and they take out all the hate towards the other parent on me) all I see is this being our life now. Nothing is going to change what happened, there's no point in dwelling on it. I wish my parents would settle and divide. More importantly, I don't want to be with my sisters.
Don't get me wrong. I love my sisters. I know they care, and I try to help them in small ways, since I can't always help them in major life changing ways at the moment. But they would be happier without me. I've noticed that they get along with both parents when I'm not there. I get along with my mother, (if you know me, then you know this is a big deal). I've tried to be an active memeber, I've tried to please everyone. But I can't love people, I don't trust, and I don't trust them with anything. I don't know what a "family" is supposed to be like, but I've always felt that this wasn't it. It's just a bunch of strangers, trapped by a strand of DNA. "You have to love your parents." I think you have to love them, like you would love anyone else. You step back, see all their faults, all their strengths, and you decide to love them, you decide to respect them, you decide to put your life in their hands. Maybe love is something else that escapes me, but that's how I see this.
I've been far more dependent on friends than family. The people I consider friends have always told me my faults, and have always helped me change into a better person. They have never lied to make me feel better about myself. Though they don't run behind me and point out all my flaws, they tell me what I'm good at to. I don't feel like a puppet with them, I don't have to do anything to please them. I can be myself and I don't have to worry about them saying it isn't right. For that, the honesty, I do everything I can to make them happy. Whether it be buying them lunch or just telling them that they mean everything to me. I have this family and friends thing backwards. Or maybe there's no real difference. I just made a family of my own.
"A family is to provide food, shelter, and love for their members." You have no idea do you?
All Over You- The Spill Canvas
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