fate is an elegance

I've been reading a lot of books having to do with death lately. Sort of by choice but not really. Like Poppy Z. Brite's Exquisite Corpse, which is about sensations and passions and finding love and losing it tragically. But it is overflowing with murder and gruesome twists. Then there's Kate Refield Jaminson's Night Falls Fast that is part autobiography part analysis of suicide and Chuck Klosterman's Killing Yourself to Live that describes his 6,775 mile journey to dive into his fascination with death. This is some of what I have been reading instead of my reading list. I don't know what it means, but those books are like taking a sip of an elixir, I'm alive in those books, more so than in any other novel,or work of art that is literature.

So far I am genderless and in love with books about death...weirded out yet?

I might get to take a trip that could possibly change my life. I might get to go to Trinidad, a place I've been homesick for years, though I technically haven't lived there. If I go, I want to stay at my father's house because for one it is bigger than my mother's family's house, with far less people in it. The main reason I have to go back to my father's father's house is because of the backyard. I have no real memories of it. I have what might be dreams and glimpses of it in my head, but really, I don't/can't remember it. At ** years old, going to that yard is the same as wanting a car...it's a necessity. I want to capture those memories on film so I can have them always.

At this point in life, I don't feel like most people , much less normal people feel. I feel like I've lived it all before and yet none of it at all, I feel like this is a relearning process, that these are the oppurtunties to change something or someone, to find that happiness everyone says I won't understand. I don't feel like I'm here. That if I die right now, it's totally understandable, I won't be mad at God or anyone. I can only wonder if I am making the right choices, taking the risks that I won't regret, feeling the things I want to feel, and not just living the life people want me to live. (Though having me genderless and ageless, etc... seems like a pretty weird want of someone's life... o_O)

Getting ready to let go of everything I've ever clung to?
Probably.
Getting ready to make things count?
Heck. Yes.
Living without regret?
Priceless.
Zed

Title Spill Canvas- Polygraph, right now!