I play situations in my head like they were real. Like an impending break up, or a friend moving away. I do this because that way the actual event will hurt less. And it works. Surprises make me suicidal. Because I can't plan it out, I can't figure out the best reaction to it and then I get stressed out and I cry and I fumble and it's all quite silly really.
Lately I've been thinking of my ex. It was a friendship born out of a romantic relationship, killed with my weirdness, healed with time, reborn as an exciting love, sex, hate, fight all the time acid trip, and murder because I was a selfish bitch and he was an asshole with low self-esteem. That's fine. I know we'll probably never talk again. That's fine too. But I'm surprised that I would be crushed by him changing his number....weird. Unexpected. As an added bonus this scenario is a lot harder to decrease with replay. It hasn't happened yet. But I can feel it. I thought I was over him. I thought I was over love all together. Maybe all I wanted was someone to hurt me, like I thought I should be hurt.
But in it all, I'm learning to let go. So in a sense, I can't hate him, for all the experiences, for all the memories, for the time I don't believe was wasted. Maybe all I want out of life is to make memories and to master this ridiculous art of walking in and out of people's lives.
"After a childhood spent memorizing taboos, Catholic teenagers were often the wildest of all."
Funny...I was a Catholic...
Title, Panic At The Disco- When the Day Met the Night
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2 comments:
I Write Stories...,
My apologies. I am behind in getting my comments up. I explained on my blog comment section.
Good luck with your video. Keep me posted on how things are going with yourself and the video.
Jim
I found your blog from Jim's. I love what you said about starting to read the Bible, "I'm actually afraid." Ha, LOL :)
Actually, I started to read the Bible in depth when I was in college. It was the most dangerous thing I've ever done, because I never expected my life to be so completely transformed! I've never been the same since. My addiction to the Word of God has continued with intensity for over five years since that happened. Hope you keep reading it :)
Oh, yeah, and the love people show to us is often not real love. The only love that truly satisfies is knowing God's love by understanding what Christ has done on the cross. I hope your catholic experience will make you more interested in the Bible and not less.
-Penn
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