I'm surprised. No matter what anyone does, I can't get mad at them. I mean I can be annoyed for five minutes. But really, I don't get mad. I don't think I care.
A bought a book on suicide...maybe the reason I did that was because I thought about suicide, I entertained the idea. But really, I want to help those people, who want to die. I want to figure out how they think. What their history was, their likes and dislikes, I want to dissect them and taste them, savor their memories. But will I see them as people? Value them as beings? Will I try and hurt them to see how they react? Will I be the one that kills them?
I asked my mother once if she wondered if she gave birth to a serial killer. She yelled at me for asking stupid questions. I think she's afraid of me. Because I ask weird questions like that. I think weird things like that. For example I can tell you honestly I don't love anyone in my family besides my sister Helen. It's not because I don't like them, I like them all very much, but we were never a family. We could probably never be a family. We're just people whose relationship just happens to fall under the general term, "family". But I can't love people like that. I don't think they've ever said they were proud of themselves, that they liked themselves, that they were conscious of who they were. I don't think I can love people honestly who can't love themselves. I don't want to be the one they turn to looking for that love.
I want to love myself. But I don't love my body. I don't care about it much. I just drank coffee, which is bad for my heart. But to feel that warm liquid racing down my throat and making my heart race, my head spin, my mind drift into blankness, it was worth it. I care more about mentality, emotions, the soul, than about physical necessities.
A girl asked me, "You're so good looking why do you date ugly people?" I was stunned. I never found my exes to be ugly, or even mildly unpleasant looking. But I also never noticed their overall character. I don't bother until I've talked to them for several months and think their worth the time to get to know. it doesn't matter much to me what they look like, as long as their comfortable with themselves, wanting to live, to be someone, anyone. I'm not a firm believer in beauty comes from within, but in this country you can be whatever you want to be, I just want their minds...
"and that would be very very bad for so many reasons." Exquisite Corpse
Title: Franz Ferdinand- Auf Achse
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I Write Stories...
In my life, I have had many troubles. I was abused, abandon, kicked out. These are things that I hesitate to share with anyone. But, I want you to know that I surpassed society's expectations of me. Only because I chose to seek God and set my mind on what He desires for all of us of the human family.
God says that He wrote the Law on our hearts. Scripture says more about this from the "person" of the Holy Spirit providing counsel. If you learn to distinguish the difference in our thinking and God's thinking, listen to that voice that sounds more like God's thinking.
I do not personally know you. I will not pretend to say that I know what you feel or think. So, in saying this, it may surprise you. But, I will say that I do not think you feel that you are ready to be involved in church. But, I and probably Penn will talk with you. (obviously, I am suggesting a church family experience for you in the future). If you feel this is something you want to do, by all means, do it. However, I will honestly tell you. In church, you will find those who know how to love and accept people. And you will have to be prepared to meet those who will be offensive. I had it happen to me on several occassions. I was being scrutinized and I could feel it. Somehow, I was able to look passed it and grow spiritually and mentally.
Thank you for your innitial visits to my site. I hope you and I can continue to dialogue.
Jim
The Bible and I are one thing, one possibly hopefull good thing, but the chruch and I are an entirely different story. Going to church makes me feel generally uncomfortable and it is not by choice and I did not go with a negative view on the church. From past experiences only God would be able to aid in, He was not there for me and the harder I prayed the worse things got.
I'm sure there are other ways to experience God, but we're going to have to cross "going to church" off the list. Lol.
I Write Stories...
Yep, this was my expectation and suggestion. Definately stay away from church for a while until you feel the inclination to go.
Also, when you are ready to go to church, I would look for a church that has a 'genre' you feel comfortable in.
For example, near my house there is a church called The R.O.C.. It is mainly a motorcycle and urban neighborhood type church.
I go to a church that is "Band Driven". The ministers where genes and tennis shoes. So, there are churches out there that you will feel comfortable in when you are inclined to attend.
I'm going to see if I can find a Toby Mac Video to put on the top of my "Journaling For Growth" page. I will let you know if I find one. In fact, I will send you the link via email. Which reminds me. You can write things that you don't want other people to read on email. My address is: jeleasure@comcast.net
Jim
I Write Stories...
Yes!
I found some Toby Mac videos and successfully posted them on my "Journaling For Growth" blog. You will see the video bar in the right hand corner. I like the first two. I'm watching a video now, as I type this message.
I can't get a link for just the video I want to send. I can only send you the "You Tube" link that I pulled them from. So, you may as well just go to my page and click on an icon. Then, I believe you can click on "You Tube" and brows videos.
I posted a new blog item this morning, by the way.
Jim
Post a Comment