happuness is more than a more gun

I don't think I can be mad at the people who create myspace profiles for their favorite characters and things of that nature. I've never done it. I always created a new character for whatever story I was reading. My narcissistic side refuses to let me take disregard the opportunity to graffiti my personality all over someone else's work. But this isn't about me. This is about them.

I can't get annoyed with it. I can't say it's stupid. It's sort of, in it's weird way, character building. These people are taking what is already a halfway developed person and then forcing themselves to fit into that particular persona. Most of the time, (I'm slightly sure) they go out acting like this character, and I don't mean cosplay, I mean these people actually want whatever people say about them to be, "Oh, I know, you know Bella, I mean, Tanya....". But this is why it will always fail, the persona cannot hold its shape:

The experiences that this "character" goes through in life does not and will not mirror the actual character's. Those experiences will shape the persona into something different and eventually, at some point, they will realize that they are not that character and they will go on with some shattered remains of personality, mold into something original (as cliche as it might seem to whoever, whatever) and be better for it.

I can't feel anything more than some sort of respect, (mild respect) for them. It's one thing to change your name and behave as if your life is a particular story. It's another entirely to take a character many (more or less) people know and have interpreted differently and boast proudly, "No. I'm right. You missed this point here." THAT takes balls my dear friends. And that is why I can't dislike the little 14 year-old Alice Cullen in Morgan Hill, that Myspace seems to think I would like to add.

Lovecraft in Brooklyn

I know it's nothing. Every single time I let go and trust someone, it feels good, sure, but then I end up getting hurt. It's like my heart imploded and my blood has run cold. I don't like many and I respect fewer. I don't usually give my real name out for a ridiculous variety of reasons. I don't like the person I'm supposed to be, and yesterday I was met with the horrible realization as much as I try I will never be what anyone wants. I can't live up to their expectations. Eventually I'll be a disappointment. Who am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to want to be?

Be yourself.

I've been bending over backwards trying to be something for everyone for sixteen years. This past year was spent, in vain, trying to find something, anything that wasn't passed upon another person wanting me. I have no idea who I am. I don't want to make the wrong choice, (though by some awesome magic, I do.) I don't want to be rejected. So many holes and nothing to fill them.


Keep your distance, it's all temporary. I lie because I don't think people care enough to hear the truth. What's funny is I can't remember the last time I lied.

I can't trust blindly. Anything that involves letting someone else getting close to me in any way, simply won't happen. Learn everything, share nothing. If I could accept that so plainly I would be okay, but I can't. I'm not. Okay. I can't sleep for long these days, five hours max. I drink coffee by the pot, not a cup in the morning, a cup at night. Around five cups I can sleep. All these little problems are connected. I just wish. I just wish someone was as interested in me as I am in them.

Sure:

I don't feel loved.

I don't feel wanted.

I forget what reason I gave myself to try to be someone.

Maybe:

I'll just keeping being everyone's toy.

At least, that is familiar.

One day I'll make brownies.

Someone left something on the counter last night. There is a huge mess. Of ants. Ants and stale food. Good morning to you too.

I don't have half the confidence to live my life the way I would like to. I don't have the confidence to say no or to just watch. It's almost out of habit that I participate. I have to. Regardless of telling myself, "Not this time." If anyone tried to help me with this, I would be offended. I would think they're trying to tell me, "Look you're a nice person, we like you, but we're going to distant ourselves from you. You're trouble and we can't handle trouble." Apparently that was theme of last week. I'm pretty sure that most people would get defensive and keep doing the thing that got them this reputation of trouble more, but if I'm not like that. I note who likes what, who likes who, what someone's favorite drink is. Whatever. I change and I have to wait for someone new to see.

Life is turning out to be one big guilt trip after another.

I don't think I'm a bad person. Not entirely at least. I just have moments where I get sick of going out of my way for someone and the same people telling me I don't do anything. It feels a lot like I'm handing you a cake and you're slapping me in the face.

I don't like fighting. Physically. Verbally, eh, different story, but physically I can't handle.

"Afraid you'll get hurt....? W.I.M.P."

That's not it at all. It's the fear of there being a point where I'll be on top/winning/presented with the opportunity to either keep slamming a person's face against the pavement or stop. I'm afraid I'll like it too much and keep going to the damage is irreversible. I've gotten in fights before, when I was younger, recently, like three years ago and I didn't stop hurting them till someone made me. That's why I don't fight. Ever. You could keep beating me up and the most I would do is move away from you.

I'm like a panther. A caged panther. Nice to look at, hard to befriend.

Before it was people not liking me and now, I'm sure they're avoiding me. Which doesn't hurt me, much. It just means I'll be keeping my distance from everyone. I'm a little tired of fixing bridges. Maybe I'm just a little tired of burning them.