A year ago I thought I was in love and I admit, I'm young and naive, especially in the matters of love. Even before high school, when we begin to grasp the affection, the sex, and the elegance of romance, we long for our happily ever after, our knight in shining armour or our princess with long hair and the other perfections. Until you've had your heart broken, not once, not even twice, ladies and gentlemen, but at least a dozen times can you finally stop labeling yourself as naive to love.
You'll know.
Not now.
Not tomorrow.
But you will certainly know.
For me, after the incident a year ago, a month long, pure infatuation that led to the crushing blow of reality, I was stupid.
I let my heart grow cold. And not just jaded, painfully icy. Where there is no such thing as romance, not even the most innocent forms, of preteens just having their first sip of the poison that is "love". I scoffed, I sneered. "Love? There is no love!" And this went on for about two months...okay, four.
I don't really remember what changed in the spring. Mayish-Juneish, you know that strange haze of a tranisition inbetween the solid months of seasons. Maybe my heart literally thawed out or more likely, I just got bored with being bitter.
My last year as a teenager, I am so entitled to get bored with things.
Or maybe the reality of love hit me.
Love is many strange and stupid and wicked thing. But it's also awesome, brilliant, and unforgettable.
It's an art and a mess, sometimes both. It will grow and it will fade, because it is human, in a way, like us.
I mean, don't we change? Our anger knows shades and degrees. If we can manage to pay attention to our annoyances and rages, we can even control it, at times. Is love any different?
Well, okay, yes and no. But here's what I learned in my something shy of twenty something years;
1. It hardly makes sense and you ruin it horribly if you rationalize it.
2. It's just as dangerous as it is fun. (Snakes, manipulation, etc. Even love follows laws of logic here.)
3. You don't always get what you give. (Whoever thought of this saying was incredibly optimistic.)
4. Blink and you'll miss it. If you never reach for the candy spilling from the pinata, you'll never have anything sweetie. (It's three in the morning, let me reach at these connections.)
5. Love is like a job, a family, a video game... you can't just get the real deal, the good stuff in the very beginning, your first relationship, no. You have to mess up, get hurt, hurt people and earn...I mean, learn what it means to you before you get even a clue what you really want. Trust me, it's going to hurt a thousand times worse for a million times longer and leave a scar a billion times worse than anything else. (Except for you know, the obvious. I.e. lobotomy....)
There's no escaping it. You have to go through all of the good and the bad and the ugly, it's like school. You hate it now, it retrospect you'll be grateful. Don't stomach it, fight it, hate it, and pick yourself back up even if it feels like the end of the world. Because it's not. If you need me to I can do the math that proves it is not the end of the world, for you, personally. I really don't mind. It works for my friends and strangers I find in the strangest of places.
Love is a hell lot like everything else. It will be sucky and gross and sometimes, you can have it but you won't want it. Oh wait, I remember why I started all this nonsense....sorry.
Z:He's told me outright that will end, you know eventually. It's nothing...you know...happily ever after, he's the one.
J:So, just because you know when milk expires do you stop putting it in your coffee?
Z*mind blown*
J:No. You enjoy it until it's over, you forget it isn't there anymore to put in your coffee and you're sad, but when you go to the store you're like, "Oh hai milk." and the cycle repeats.
Z:*mind still blown*
J: This is where you say love isn't like milk.
Z: ....What if the cereal gets jealous?
It might be too soon to say but I think he solved my issues in one go.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
remembering
It's really weird to look back at all the things, people, and moments that meant so much then and that influenced what i am now. Some moments feel like they aren't even mine. It's a different life, one i dreamed up, even if it only is two, three years ago. There are others that obviously stroke a vicious chord in me and led me to be so determined or so distant now.
And it's not sad. People come and go, things break and get replaced, moments can never be repeated. But it's not the best feeling ever.
It's just weird, and for the most part i would do it all over exactly like the first time.
And it's not sad. People come and go, things break and get replaced, moments can never be repeated. But it's not the best feeling ever.
It's just weird, and for the most part i would do it all over exactly like the first time.
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Saturday, August 20, 2011
Highs and lows
You're falsetto concern and half assed poetry, bring me into a new perspective. We don't have fun with absinthe and rum, posioned dream veil to hide your lack of personality. And even if that personality was a lie it would be half as good as you not having one. The illusion isn't painted up with glamour and corruption, it's hollow designed to crumble. What can i find in you, when you have walls built up and a heart that's MIA? I have my doubts i am to blame, maybe the problem truly lies with you.
So like asher roth maybe i just have to BE BY MYSELF.
So like asher roth maybe i just have to BE BY MYSELF.
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Thursday, August 18, 2011
A time and a place
Identical, because you and i are each other's mirror. And not on the surface, in things we couldn't choose or control, but in the imagination, in our own little worlds, that revolve around each other and rarely stop to hesitate with the gravitational pull of others. We exist by our own rules, our own desires, the rest be damned. And not because we want to be different, we simply are. What would the others understand about-
letting go, considering others, the true depth of understanding.
They say we are self centered, when all we do is think about them and how they might feel, what they might think, how they might be hurt.
We say they are self centered because they never think of how they could avoid most of their stress and heartache, how they take away the happiness in others.
We're selfish because we live how we want, playing by a strict set of rules that protect others from ourselves.
They're selfish because they bend their rules to take away from others.
I'm a stupid selfish bitch because I spend petty cash in heartbeat.
But you'll always be worse because you never think of why those things are important to me.
Tell me, how does it feel to be the most significant reason as to why I smoke?
letting go, considering others, the true depth of understanding.
They say we are self centered, when all we do is think about them and how they might feel, what they might think, how they might be hurt.
We say they are self centered because they never think of how they could avoid most of their stress and heartache, how they take away the happiness in others.
We're selfish because we live how we want, playing by a strict set of rules that protect others from ourselves.
They're selfish because they bend their rules to take away from others.
I'm a stupid selfish bitch because I spend petty cash in heartbeat.
But you'll always be worse because you never think of why those things are important to me.
Tell me, how does it feel to be the most significant reason as to why I smoke?
Monday, August 15, 2011
Figured Out
a) fear of neglect and abandonment
b) the situation itself, because I like privacy.
c) the people. because I'm worried about the consequences
d) things not being stable, or significant.
....let's work on the solution....
b) the situation itself, because I like privacy.
c) the people. because I'm worried about the consequences
d) things not being stable, or significant.
....let's work on the solution....
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Watching the Show
Is it jealousy if I reflexively lash out because he's sleeping with one of my friends or is it out of fear that I turn into a psycho bitch? I'm guessing it's the latter, because the sex thing doesn't bother me that much. no really. It doesn't. It's the fear that this is going to be like every time before. (twice) where it became like he forgot about me and all the...fun...i guess we had together. Why? She's into comics, video games, pretty much the girl I could never be. But does that make me less valuable?
And now I sit in constant paranoia that he's just going to tell me he's done with me, because he has other girls to sleep with now. I blame myself partially because I've run under the cover sex once again. There's a lot I still don't know about him, and so much I would like to show him. But it's like...I don't have an in, a way to compete with others' history with him.
Murphy's law I suppose is what keeps fueling this paranoia. Because it always happens ,the second I get comfortable with people and have fun, it burns down faster than I can finish a cigarette. I can't even begin to fathom why. And it's keeping this little log of things that keeps me sane. I broke the first rule. Silly me. Getting attached, again. I don't think I can help it at this point. It is what adds to that little touch sincerity and makes the good and bad times even more real. Instead of trying to keep a good distance from everyone, knowing time is a friend to no one. I keep reminding myself ,(or at least trying to convince myself) that in a year I'll be gone, to another city, with other groups that I will be on the fringes of....
back to the point of this.
I shouldn't feel bad. I really shouldn't. I have all the qualities I want to have. True I do get a little off balance when something stresses me out and I have no way to distract myself.
Maybe I do have to learn to share....*shiver* I'm spoiled. Sharing is hard. Sharing anything, ANYTHING is hard. Secrets, moments, friends...everything. Can I tilt my head to see this from a perspective at least I know who the other girl is? Maybe. I don't know yet.
I kind of need a slap in the face. I'm sure of that now. Because it's a reflex to play "doll" and run from things that stress me out. I need to find the frame of mind that won't force me to drink to ignore the stress and spend days sleeping.
Focus. Come on Z. Focus.
And now I sit in constant paranoia that he's just going to tell me he's done with me, because he has other girls to sleep with now. I blame myself partially because I've run under the cover sex once again. There's a lot I still don't know about him, and so much I would like to show him. But it's like...I don't have an in, a way to compete with others' history with him.
Murphy's law I suppose is what keeps fueling this paranoia. Because it always happens ,the second I get comfortable with people and have fun, it burns down faster than I can finish a cigarette. I can't even begin to fathom why. And it's keeping this little log of things that keeps me sane. I broke the first rule. Silly me. Getting attached, again. I don't think I can help it at this point. It is what adds to that little touch sincerity and makes the good and bad times even more real. Instead of trying to keep a good distance from everyone, knowing time is a friend to no one. I keep reminding myself ,(or at least trying to convince myself) that in a year I'll be gone, to another city, with other groups that I will be on the fringes of....
back to the point of this.
I shouldn't feel bad. I really shouldn't. I have all the qualities I want to have. True I do get a little off balance when something stresses me out and I have no way to distract myself.
Maybe I do have to learn to share....*shiver* I'm spoiled. Sharing is hard. Sharing anything, ANYTHING is hard. Secrets, moments, friends...everything. Can I tilt my head to see this from a perspective at least I know who the other girl is? Maybe. I don't know yet.
I kind of need a slap in the face. I'm sure of that now. Because it's a reflex to play "doll" and run from things that stress me out. I need to find the frame of mind that won't force me to drink to ignore the stress and spend days sleeping.
Focus. Come on Z. Focus.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Love and Lust
Honestly? No cryptic bullshit this time round. Z's analysis of open relationships and soul mates.
Soul Mates, the ONE, your other half, all cleverly worded jail sentences. No, hear me out, because I have nothing against jail- I mean monogamous relationships. They're comprised of three things, commitment, trust and affection/lust. Because without that chemistry, it might as well be an arranged marriage. Some people wonder why their relationships don't work out, or how they are single. Trust and commitment are the biggest two...issues, but it takes no amount of effort to figure out lust. You see it you want it. Done. Trust, if someone has been "fucked over" in the past, and you're the one they "want to try and trust", give. them. a. chance. I'm serious. Stop being a controling freak, who thinks everyone has issues, and cannot deal with life. (we all have some issue with our past that is taking forever to get over). Be patient. Do not rush them, because that trust will be ridiculously worth the wait.
Maybe, hell, you want people in your life who take time to trust you, because they know the value of it way more than someone who trusts blindly.
Commitment is another big thing to deal with. "Oh no, I've been in committed relationships." Think again. If your relationship(s) last years, that's committment. Two months, not so much. There is a scale people use to judge if you can deal with committment, in case, you didn't know. And it's a lot to handle. In monogamous relationship, that person is the only person you will a)sleep with, b) sleep next to, and c)say I love you to. That is the basic rule for relationships these days, right? Right.
Personally, I don't think anyone younger than thirty should even consider getting married. If you do, good luck. Until you hit that big 30, you are purely fucking around. Career hasn't even begun yet, stability is up in the air, and last time you checked there was a LIST of girls/boys you wanted to bang. Do NOT settle down, because temptation and committment do not mix. Wait.
Think it through.
Fuck everyone on that list, before you look into someone's eyes and accidently lie when they ask, "You don't want to sleep with anyone else do you?" (Because I have heard the stories and sometimes this question takes the most insane forms...)
Now. On to something a bit more fun.
Open relationships. At first I didn't understand them. Why would anyone bother with one? If you're going to sleep with anyone and everyone...Hang on, chill out, I'm not done. Open relationships seem to be based of a different set of components than exclusive couples. Trust yes of course, the has to be some sort of trust, but there's also love and maturity.
How many of you can honestly say you would not get jealous if "your" significant other was sleeping with other people? Put your hands down. Especially you, thinking, "Well if it were another girl, I'd be cool with it." No, what?! That's horrible.
An open relationship can't work if any one of these things is absent. No trust, no love, and that certainly is not very mature. People get hurt and just need to heal(known as the rebound), people want to sleep with other people in a very casual way(because how else are you going to get better at it, if you don't practice). It's normal, it's human. We all want to sleep with a lot of other people, some of us just give ourselves what we want.
Basically, if you love someone who wants to sleep with other people but there is no question that they love you, have at it. (Some people think this is setting yourself to get hurt, but why else would trust be so essential to ANY relationship...)
There's nothing wrong with either of these relationships, sole partner or all the partners, just a couple guidelines.
1. BE SAFE
2. Know what you want before you accidently/indirectly hurt people emotionally, (mean and casual sex don't mix apparently)
3. BE SAFE.
have fun. ;)
Soul Mates, the ONE, your other half, all cleverly worded jail sentences. No, hear me out, because I have nothing against jail- I mean monogamous relationships. They're comprised of three things, commitment, trust and affection/lust. Because without that chemistry, it might as well be an arranged marriage. Some people wonder why their relationships don't work out, or how they are single. Trust and commitment are the biggest two...issues, but it takes no amount of effort to figure out lust. You see it you want it. Done. Trust, if someone has been "fucked over" in the past, and you're the one they "want to try and trust", give. them. a. chance. I'm serious. Stop being a controling freak, who thinks everyone has issues, and cannot deal with life. (we all have some issue with our past that is taking forever to get over). Be patient. Do not rush them, because that trust will be ridiculously worth the wait.
Maybe, hell, you want people in your life who take time to trust you, because they know the value of it way more than someone who trusts blindly.
Commitment is another big thing to deal with. "Oh no, I've been in committed relationships." Think again. If your relationship(s) last years, that's committment. Two months, not so much. There is a scale people use to judge if you can deal with committment, in case, you didn't know. And it's a lot to handle. In monogamous relationship, that person is the only person you will a)sleep with, b) sleep next to, and c)say I love you to. That is the basic rule for relationships these days, right? Right.
Personally, I don't think anyone younger than thirty should even consider getting married. If you do, good luck. Until you hit that big 30, you are purely fucking around. Career hasn't even begun yet, stability is up in the air, and last time you checked there was a LIST of girls/boys you wanted to bang. Do NOT settle down, because temptation and committment do not mix. Wait.
Think it through.
Fuck everyone on that list, before you look into someone's eyes and accidently lie when they ask, "You don't want to sleep with anyone else do you?" (Because I have heard the stories and sometimes this question takes the most insane forms...)
Now. On to something a bit more fun.
Open relationships. At first I didn't understand them. Why would anyone bother with one? If you're going to sleep with anyone and everyone...Hang on, chill out, I'm not done. Open relationships seem to be based of a different set of components than exclusive couples. Trust yes of course, the has to be some sort of trust, but there's also love and maturity.
How many of you can honestly say you would not get jealous if "your" significant other was sleeping with other people? Put your hands down. Especially you, thinking, "Well if it were another girl, I'd be cool with it." No, what?! That's horrible.
An open relationship can't work if any one of these things is absent. No trust, no love, and that certainly is not very mature. People get hurt and just need to heal(known as the rebound), people want to sleep with other people in a very casual way(because how else are you going to get better at it, if you don't practice). It's normal, it's human. We all want to sleep with a lot of other people, some of us just give ourselves what we want.
Basically, if you love someone who wants to sleep with other people but there is no question that they love you, have at it. (Some people think this is setting yourself to get hurt, but why else would trust be so essential to ANY relationship...)
There's nothing wrong with either of these relationships, sole partner or all the partners, just a couple guidelines.
1. BE SAFE
2. Know what you want before you accidently/indirectly hurt people emotionally, (mean and casual sex don't mix apparently)
3. BE SAFE.
have fun. ;)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The magic of the mind
Some people delve into fiction and fantasy, through means of literature, a craft of some kind where a design is necessary for its completetion. I cannot go so easily down that path.
I've been waiting to hear someone explain their interest in psycholgy the same way I do, because for some reason I'm obsessed with finding someone similiar to me in any way. But no. No one has come forward with the metaphor the mind is magic and I am alone in my obsession with it.
Manipulation is a very general category. It includes lying, seduction, creating a false sense of security, etc. But there is a particular aspect of manipulation that can be called an "art". Persuasion. It is not bending the truth or painting up some illusion people can dive into hopelessly infatuated with security and success. It is straight forward and most of the time honest. Broken down into its most basic sense it is either "you can have this choice" or "You can't."
Drama queens are manipulative, teenagers are manipulative, everyone does it one way or another, but it's not just lawyers and businessmen who specialize in it. Anyone can, it's just that few choose to do it. (Which is why it is probably such a deplorable trait because it is not a readily gained such as kindness or honesty) Most manipulation is shoddy, halfassed, full of holes that even the simplest of men can slip through. It's the artists I want, to examine, maybe even exploit.
And I will be hated for my honesty, I'm sure of it.
The magic of the mind is this; it is a game of the finest art. It has endless possibilities, it cannot be cheated so easily, and it never ceases being so surprising. It can be injured, in both the figurative and literal sense, and rebuild itself. It can be preserved through a multitude of media and change at a heart's whim without any notice. It is one of kind in its seductive mystery, and I will learn everything I can about it.
Because knowledge is power, and power is so rarely an art in itself.
I've been waiting to hear someone explain their interest in psycholgy the same way I do, because for some reason I'm obsessed with finding someone similiar to me in any way. But no. No one has come forward with the metaphor the mind is magic and I am alone in my obsession with it.
Manipulation is a very general category. It includes lying, seduction, creating a false sense of security, etc. But there is a particular aspect of manipulation that can be called an "art". Persuasion. It is not bending the truth or painting up some illusion people can dive into hopelessly infatuated with security and success. It is straight forward and most of the time honest. Broken down into its most basic sense it is either "you can have this choice" or "You can't."
Drama queens are manipulative, teenagers are manipulative, everyone does it one way or another, but it's not just lawyers and businessmen who specialize in it. Anyone can, it's just that few choose to do it. (Which is why it is probably such a deplorable trait because it is not a readily gained such as kindness or honesty) Most manipulation is shoddy, halfassed, full of holes that even the simplest of men can slip through. It's the artists I want, to examine, maybe even exploit.
And I will be hated for my honesty, I'm sure of it.
The magic of the mind is this; it is a game of the finest art. It has endless possibilities, it cannot be cheated so easily, and it never ceases being so surprising. It can be injured, in both the figurative and literal sense, and rebuild itself. It can be preserved through a multitude of media and change at a heart's whim without any notice. It is one of kind in its seductive mystery, and I will learn everything I can about it.
Because knowledge is power, and power is so rarely an art in itself.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
I don't even-
First rule of being a Sinner is:
DON'T GET ATTATCHED.
Because people are good at one thing and one thing only: disappointing other people.
Go figure. A guy I like for an extensive amount of time turns out to be exactly like every other guy. Silly me for thinking that maybe he'd be different. Oh well.
And "every other guy" here having the meaning of the other 14 guys I've dated. So yeah, I think I've got a few clues.
/sigh
I think my question now is, to go on letting him treat me like a whore or do I tell him to fuck off and find some other tail to mind fuck?
I wish these things were simpler, like surgically removing my heart. Or something.
DON'T GET ATTATCHED.
Because people are good at one thing and one thing only: disappointing other people.
Go figure. A guy I like for an extensive amount of time turns out to be exactly like every other guy. Silly me for thinking that maybe he'd be different. Oh well.
And "every other guy" here having the meaning of the other 14 guys I've dated. So yeah, I think I've got a few clues.
/sigh
I think my question now is, to go on letting him treat me like a whore or do I tell him to fuck off and find some other tail to mind fuck?
I wish these things were simpler, like surgically removing my heart. Or something.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
slender razor
Close precision, keep slicing in the right direction round and round till natural shows the color hidden beneath these clothes. Gaping wound no true stitch and mend this mirror neuron itch. Capsized proper with truth embedded neatly into the side i've aligned with. Precious elixir of doomsday free, a contradiction to set me free. One good time one last round, i've made it all so clear again. Hurt me deeply no regret to see an emotional side of lycantrophy. But that's not my problem, tag you're it. Just another idiot, you'll never see it.
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