Hesitation

maybe things will be better now that I really have a plan. Going to school in San Francisco, getting an awesome apartment, with a wonderful room mate and waking up to watch the sun rise over my paradise. That's all I want. No boyfriends, no best friends, no one who'll pull me away from my dream. A job would be nice though, so I can stock my little closet with tons of clothes until the neighbors complain there are random jeans slipping into their wardrobe.

But what about now? I'm so caught up in the future, I don't even feel like i exist in the present. It's already my past....hmm, oh well.

Guess I'll just curl up and read (get warped into alternate realities, my poor friends) and study. I lied, it seems there are no parties for little Z.

Thick Glass, Distorted Reflections

I'm pretty sure I won't be remembered when I die, which is the only thing I want out of life. To be remembered, to be loved. But I'm a freak. As the oldest child, I don't live up to the hype. As the grandchild to a legacy, I'm a disappointment. And although my body is wonderful, I don't have the face or personality to match. I love nothing more than being proved wrong, getting gifts, and meeting new people. I don't like ice cream, pie (except pumpkin) and eat frosting out of the tin. I eat till I'm about ready to throw up, and it's because I like tasting food, chewing, swallowing. Sometimes I don't eat for days. I can't make myself show emotions I don't actually feel, and I can't ( or won't) hide any of mine. I'm a jealous person. I'm violently impulsive. I smoke because it feels like coming home, but lately I want to smoke less. I don't ever take my phone with me when I smoke, unless I don't have a choice. I hate driving. I hate opening up to people who will just try and judge me, instead of accept me. I'm pretty sure people just think I'm full of shit, so therefore I think I'm full of shit. I hate people who tell other people that they aren't special, that they aren't unique. Because everyone has something that makes them, them. And just because traits are similar, how they got those traits aren't. The combination of traits will never repeat itself. Sometimes people just need to be told they are original, and all the pretenious fucks- it doesn't even matter. I bite my nails. I fidget and break things all the time. I read fast, I never forget a book. Imitation without a slight variation sickens me. I don't eat a lot of fruit or vegetables, except olives, mushrooms, and grapes. I can finish two liters of soda within an hour. If I'm upset, I take a pill of imiphram. If I can't get a pill, I smoke a lot till my throat hurts. If I can't smoke, I cry, and yell at the people I'm not mad at. My biggest fears are rejection and the dark. I'm paranoid.

Sometimes this doesn't feel like me at all.

Like I cut off my arms

I can't find the steps
Leaning against walls for support
It's everything
It's not nothing
How could it be?
When you are-were?-
my future
my past
has a tendency to catch up with me
and now you're free
I feel like this is nothing to you
but you're not responding
are you happy?
Are you mad?
Are you drinking?
Do you feel like you've lost a limb too?
All I know is I can't feel my aorta,
because it's still with you.
Pinky promise.

Love how we hold back nothing

Love how we hold back nothing
Part of it is to provoke you. You disappoint me, you hurt me, you ignore me. But I never lash out when I hurt. I usually get sad, dwell, grow numb to it, and then let you know I'm ticked. Because for some reason I can't be legitimately enraged and crying my eyes at the same time. I just don't do it.

Part of it is because you have promised me something and you didn't keep it. You probably never said the words "I promise you...whatever." But there are certain things you expect of me, and everyone in particular moments. Right? When someone says they'll do something for you, you expect them do it, right? *sigh* who knows. It seems like every trace of the simple things a person does because it is polite and proper has been drained out of this place. I expect so much, and give so many chances. Why do I bother?

Part of it is because I'm mad at someone else. And you're getting a message meant for them, but I can't find the backbone to send it to them. Words, feelings, thoughts have to have a place to escape. If you keep them bottle up inside, it's dangerous. If I kept it locked up inside, I'd probably yell at my teacher. Or my friends.

It's all part of the learning process I guess. There are some parts of ourselves we simply cannot escape, outrun, grow out of. More importantly, you learn the most and the feel the most when the thing that you treasured turns around to stab you in the chest.

So no one keeps their word.
Everyone is temporary.
And you will always be disappointed.

I wish that weren't the way it looked.

Just another day being Z

So I'm working on my essays into the colleges that make me moist thinking about going there. I completely underestimated this whole write about yourself business. So I will be calling on people to assist me in filling out my brag sheet. Lol.

My so-called best friend looks more like an idiot with every passing day. I only feel in a position to judge because compared to her, I'm less of a bitch. Okay, I'm less of an obnoxious bitch. (Because we all know I could make you cry if I wanted to). I can make anyone feel like a star and ensure people have the time of their lives. I'm always up to try something new, and will hardly ever say "that's weird" or "we'll look silly". I do things because I want to do them, not because it's look cool or because my friends want to. My experiences are my choices, and I won't fake a good time, (just restrain myself from ruining it for everyone). I don't know. Ever since I tried to kill myself, there's been a gap growing between us. She doesn't know me, and she'll never understand me because she has to be right all the time. I'm willing to see that I might be hypocritical on some points, but not from her. I'll tolerate anyone else telling me about me, except her. *sigh* Feels good to get that out.

Should I stay or should I go? Part of me wants to stay in dinky little town with cookie cutter people and continue with my iffy existence, while the other half wants to leave and take the risk of not having anything in the oh so near future. I'm afraid if I leave, my family will disown me. I'm afraid if I'll stay that I'll be unhappy even though there isn't really any reason to stay here... Decisions, decisions. Though I could go Miami and attend some school there. My family has a house there, so it's not like I'm really leaving. Why does this have to be SO HARD?

Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day. I have tons of work to do and I know how to get it all done...but I don't have the energy. In the end I'll suck it up, pull it all off with time to spare while looking...peculiar, but right now?

Right now I'm going to whine.