remembering

It's really weird to look back at all the things, people, and moments that meant so much then and that influenced what i am now. Some moments feel like they aren't even mine. It's a different life, one i dreamed up, even if it only is two, three years ago. There are others that obviously stroke a vicious chord in me and led me to be so determined or so distant now.

And it's not sad. People come and go, things break and get replaced, moments can never be repeated. But it's not the best feeling ever.

It's just weird, and for the most part i would do it all over exactly like the first time.

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Highs and lows

You're falsetto concern and half assed poetry, bring me into a new perspective. We don't have fun with absinthe and rum, posioned dream veil to hide your lack of personality. And even if that personality was a lie it would be half as good as you not having one. The illusion isn't painted up with glamour and corruption, it's hollow designed to crumble. What can i find in you, when you have walls built up and a heart that's MIA? I have my doubts i am to blame, maybe the problem truly lies with you.

So like asher roth maybe i just have to BE BY MYSELF.

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A time and a place

Identical, because you and i are each other's mirror. And not on the surface, in things we couldn't choose or control, but in the imagination, in our own little worlds, that revolve around each other and rarely stop to hesitate with the gravitational pull of others. We exist by our own rules, our own desires, the rest be damned. And not because we want to be different, we simply are. What would the others understand about-

letting go, considering others, the true depth of understanding.

They say we are self centered, when all we do is think about them and how they might feel, what they might think, how they might be hurt.

We say they are self centered because they never think of how they could avoid most of their stress and heartache, how they take away the happiness in others.

We're selfish because we live how we want, playing by a strict set of rules that protect others from ourselves.

They're selfish because they bend their rules to take away from others.

I'm a stupid selfish bitch because I spend petty cash in heartbeat.

But you'll always be worse because you never think of why those things are important to me.

Tell me, how does it feel to be the most significant reason as to why I smoke?

Figured Out

a) fear of neglect and abandonment
b) the situation itself, because I like privacy.
c) the people. because I'm worried about the consequences
d) things not being stable, or significant.

....let's work on the solution....

Watching the Show

Is it jealousy if I reflexively lash out because he's sleeping with one of my friends or is it out of fear that I turn into a psycho bitch? I'm guessing it's the latter, because the sex thing doesn't bother me that much. no really. It doesn't. It's the fear that this is going to be like every time before. (twice) where it became like he forgot about me and all the...fun...i guess we had together. Why? She's into comics, video games, pretty much the girl I could never be. But does that make me less valuable?

And now I sit in constant paranoia that he's just going to tell me he's done with me, because he has other girls to sleep with now. I blame myself partially because I've run under the cover sex once again. There's a lot I still don't know about him, and so much I would like to show him. But it's like...I don't have an in, a way to compete with others' history with him.

Murphy's law I suppose is what keeps fueling this paranoia. Because it always happens ,the second I get comfortable with people and have fun, it burns down faster than I can finish a cigarette. I can't even begin to fathom why. And it's keeping this little log of things that keeps me sane. I broke the first rule. Silly me. Getting attached, again. I don't think I can help it at this point. It is what adds to that little touch sincerity and makes the good and bad times even more real. Instead of trying to keep a good distance from everyone, knowing time is a friend to no one. I keep reminding myself ,(or at least trying to convince myself) that in a year I'll be gone, to another city, with other groups that I will be on the fringes of....

back to the point of this.
I shouldn't feel bad. I really shouldn't. I have all the qualities I want to have. True I do get a little off balance when something stresses me out and I have no way to distract myself.

Maybe I do have to learn to share....*shiver* I'm spoiled. Sharing is hard. Sharing anything, ANYTHING is hard. Secrets, moments, friends...everything. Can I tilt my head to see this from a perspective at least I know who the other girl is? Maybe. I don't know yet.

I kind of need a slap in the face. I'm sure of that now. Because it's a reflex to play "doll" and run from things that stress me out. I need to find the frame of mind that won't force me to drink to ignore the stress and spend days sleeping.

Focus. Come on Z. Focus.