Hmm, seems like there's trouble brewing my sweet paradise, and I, being a Diva of course, can't let that happen. What to do, what to do, when all my trouble seems to come in twos?
Aight, 'nuff of this bullshitting around. Tonight there will be a meteor shower and honestly, I could think of any other way I'd rather spend it, then curled up under a blanket that blends in with the sky, a huge cup of rich dark chocolate cocoa and Andrew Bird telling me to fucking dance. Yep. Did I mention I plan to spend it...alone?
Yeah, for some reason many people think I'm a social butterfly. The only Diva thing about me is that I, Z.e. Daniels, don't care if you think my wild mane is blocking your view, or if my formal wear in the middle of San Francisco will I smoke a delicious Camel no. 9 cigarette is horrendously obnoxious. Darling, I'm going to die young and I'm going to be soooo happy. I am solitary creature, who only goes outside if 1) food is involved and/or 2) you can make me smile the second I get in the car. Did I mention by anger management skills are...non-existent? Pretty much if you like your genitals to remain user friendly, You. Will. Not. Piss. Me. Off.
Other than that, I'm head over heels in love with a guy I don't deserve, trying to tame my lustful beast (which is easier to type than achieve) and I'm dealing with stress like no other. Wake me up in a couple hours, we'll do work then.
Teehee, :)
We're going to be GREAT friends, I can tell.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Down the Rabbit Hole
He stood in front of the platform in the dark chamber, calm and expectant. Above him was a hole big enough to climb through, light dripping down before him. Before him sat a six armed creature, motionless now. Pipes in each of their six slender hands, all lit with thick smoke filled the space. Behind the beast was a darkness unlike any he could have imagined. It seemed to swallow up the light and threaten to come after him as well. He took an inquisitive step forward.
"Why are -you- here?" The creature roared, its voice genderless. A great massive body seated upon a throne of orange and red, blue and purple pillows, trembled as it came to life. The sound echoed all around him. "It is not your turn."
"Where is this place?" The boy asked in response. "Who are you?"
"It is not your turn." An arm swung to raise its pipe to the monster's lips. "I would not expect a child to be ready to make such choices."
"I'm not a child." He whispered, more to himself than the creature who laughed at this. He gaped up in surprise at the sound. So rich, so full of life.
"You're fearless, I'll give you that." There was more movement of the arms as it leaned forward to look at him. "And you've got a hunger to understand the world around you that is uncommon these days."
The boy remained stoic, his mind turning with questions. Was this place purgatory?
"You could call it that...purgatory."
"Is what's above us then, heaven?"
"No. That is the place of light, where things are in the open and you can decide whether to take it or leave it. No right or wrong answers, just knowledge." There was a hint of something not being said. "The place of darkness, behind me," an arm gestured, "is where you look for it yourself, no choice in what you take, and it all affects you, sometimes for the worst."
Emotion, is that it? The boy wondered. That's the difference.
"Most don't make that choice until they are older. Where life is about something much different than originally expected..."
"Is that why I'm here?" The boy thought hopefully. "Because I'm ready?"
"No." The guardian moved away. "You're here, because you have no where else to be. You made a choice a long time ago, to cut yourself off from certain things, like friends and letting yourself relax and now you're a little lost at what you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to want. You cannot tread in amongst those of the light because you carry too much emotion, and you cannot stay with those in the darkness, because you don't know enough to play along."
These words were starting to hit home for him, but he hid it. "Then where should I be? I can't continue this indecision anymore."
"That," the creature grinned through the smoke. "Is your decision. If you pick the light you can continue to learn at the pace you are at. It is all handed to you and you can decide whether or not what you learn hurts or helps you. Pick the darkness, and you must carve the path yourself, pushing past what you believed to be your limits."
"Is there a third option?"
"You can stay here with me in the in between, and fill my pipes. Choice is yours really."
I'm not old enough to make that choice, but I can't stay here...not here.
He took a step.
He closed his eyes.
And hoped to Sartre,
he didn't die.
"Why are -you- here?" The creature roared, its voice genderless. A great massive body seated upon a throne of orange and red, blue and purple pillows, trembled as it came to life. The sound echoed all around him. "It is not your turn."
"Where is this place?" The boy asked in response. "Who are you?"
"It is not your turn." An arm swung to raise its pipe to the monster's lips. "I would not expect a child to be ready to make such choices."
"I'm not a child." He whispered, more to himself than the creature who laughed at this. He gaped up in surprise at the sound. So rich, so full of life.
"You're fearless, I'll give you that." There was more movement of the arms as it leaned forward to look at him. "And you've got a hunger to understand the world around you that is uncommon these days."
The boy remained stoic, his mind turning with questions. Was this place purgatory?
"You could call it that...purgatory."
"Is what's above us then, heaven?"
"No. That is the place of light, where things are in the open and you can decide whether to take it or leave it. No right or wrong answers, just knowledge." There was a hint of something not being said. "The place of darkness, behind me," an arm gestured, "is where you look for it yourself, no choice in what you take, and it all affects you, sometimes for the worst."
Emotion, is that it? The boy wondered. That's the difference.
"Most don't make that choice until they are older. Where life is about something much different than originally expected..."
"Is that why I'm here?" The boy thought hopefully. "Because I'm ready?"
"No." The guardian moved away. "You're here, because you have no where else to be. You made a choice a long time ago, to cut yourself off from certain things, like friends and letting yourself relax and now you're a little lost at what you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to want. You cannot tread in amongst those of the light because you carry too much emotion, and you cannot stay with those in the darkness, because you don't know enough to play along."
These words were starting to hit home for him, but he hid it. "Then where should I be? I can't continue this indecision anymore."
"That," the creature grinned through the smoke. "Is your decision. If you pick the light you can continue to learn at the pace you are at. It is all handed to you and you can decide whether or not what you learn hurts or helps you. Pick the darkness, and you must carve the path yourself, pushing past what you believed to be your limits."
"Is there a third option?"
"You can stay here with me in the in between, and fill my pipes. Choice is yours really."
I'm not old enough to make that choice, but I can't stay here...not here.
He took a step.
He closed his eyes.
And hoped to Sartre,
he didn't die.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I think I'm asking too much
I want to be social. I want to be happy. But I have no idea how to go about achieving it. I still feel that welling of jealousy when I look on things like Facebook, Myspace, yeah, it's sad. That's nice that you can recognize that, but that doesn't make the feeling any less...painful. I don't know. Maybe it was supposed to be like that. It's reassuring that the world will never be trapped inside it's little void of technology establishing and ensuring that that is what a social life, composed entirely comments, blogs, likes and dislikes. It's just what it is.
I find myself yet, again on the outside of the fishbowl, watching, learning, but alone on the outside.
I find myself yet, again on the outside of the fishbowl, watching, learning, but alone on the outside.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
To find it's all a dream
Smoking is unhealthy. Oh yes, it's very very VERY bad for you. But for me, deep down inside, there's a little flame waiting to for its full potential to be realized, and the end of the cigarette meets its tip where the first drag is always like coming home.
Funny how the things that seem like they would be so wrong, seem so right. Smoking has always felt like coming home, even cheap cigarettes, though the taste may be foul, I find myself smoking another, and another and another. Till I'm dizzy with the lack of oxygen and the air is cloudy with tobacco. Yeah, smoking. I do it and I'll do it again too.
I used to be so unsure of the line between dreaming and reality and it seems that was never the case. Conscious and unconscious, darling that's where the line lies, and I'm hardly conscious for anyone or anything anymore. I find myself going through the motions, shutting down, shutting off. Just getting shuffled around like papers with no real place to be sort into. Everyone is so on the surface, so content with what they're handed. I've spent forever looking for the people who dive into the mystery, and I will no surrender them so readily.
Just one sweet slice, please, deep and refreshing, so I can just lie here and let it all flow out, just one unforgettable moment of freedom, of pleasure. Thick and strong, the pull of the empty viens, let my body go into shock. You don't get it do you? You don't understand anything.
I have to use you, I have to hold you close, so you remain in my life. So I have somewhere to run...please don't leave...but don't stay either.
Funny how the things that seem like they would be so wrong, seem so right. Smoking has always felt like coming home, even cheap cigarettes, though the taste may be foul, I find myself smoking another, and another and another. Till I'm dizzy with the lack of oxygen and the air is cloudy with tobacco. Yeah, smoking. I do it and I'll do it again too.
I used to be so unsure of the line between dreaming and reality and it seems that was never the case. Conscious and unconscious, darling that's where the line lies, and I'm hardly conscious for anyone or anything anymore. I find myself going through the motions, shutting down, shutting off. Just getting shuffled around like papers with no real place to be sort into. Everyone is so on the surface, so content with what they're handed. I've spent forever looking for the people who dive into the mystery, and I will no surrender them so readily.
Just one sweet slice, please, deep and refreshing, so I can just lie here and let it all flow out, just one unforgettable moment of freedom, of pleasure. Thick and strong, the pull of the empty viens, let my body go into shock. You don't get it do you? You don't understand anything.
I have to use you, I have to hold you close, so you remain in my life. So I have somewhere to run...please don't leave...but don't stay either.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Long time no post?
Ugh. So much to do so little time.
First off, I've been to work on a super secret little project, and for once it has to do with school! I hope it works out the way I imagine or else I'll be really sad.
Secondly, I'm a little fed up of tolerating people I don't really like, because it's expected of me. I should be allowed to be a separate identity, able to make my own impressions on people without other people's nonsense corrupting how people see me. Second semester is going to be utter hell.
Goodness, what to do what to do. More later in the life of Z Diva.
First off, I've been to work on a super secret little project, and for once it has to do with school! I hope it works out the way I imagine or else I'll be really sad.
Secondly, I'm a little fed up of tolerating people I don't really like, because it's expected of me. I should be allowed to be a separate identity, able to make my own impressions on people without other people's nonsense corrupting how people see me. Second semester is going to be utter hell.
Goodness, what to do what to do. More later in the life of Z Diva.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
