Watching the Show

Is it jealousy if I reflexively lash out because he's sleeping with one of my friends or is it out of fear that I turn into a psycho bitch? I'm guessing it's the latter, because the sex thing doesn't bother me that much. no really. It doesn't. It's the fear that this is going to be like every time before. (twice) where it became like he forgot about me and all the...fun...i guess we had together. Why? She's into comics, video games, pretty much the girl I could never be. But does that make me less valuable?

And now I sit in constant paranoia that he's just going to tell me he's done with me, because he has other girls to sleep with now. I blame myself partially because I've run under the cover sex once again. There's a lot I still don't know about him, and so much I would like to show him. But it's like...I don't have an in, a way to compete with others' history with him.

Murphy's law I suppose is what keeps fueling this paranoia. Because it always happens ,the second I get comfortable with people and have fun, it burns down faster than I can finish a cigarette. I can't even begin to fathom why. And it's keeping this little log of things that keeps me sane. I broke the first rule. Silly me. Getting attached, again. I don't think I can help it at this point. It is what adds to that little touch sincerity and makes the good and bad times even more real. Instead of trying to keep a good distance from everyone, knowing time is a friend to no one. I keep reminding myself ,(or at least trying to convince myself) that in a year I'll be gone, to another city, with other groups that I will be on the fringes of....

back to the point of this.
I shouldn't feel bad. I really shouldn't. I have all the qualities I want to have. True I do get a little off balance when something stresses me out and I have no way to distract myself.

Maybe I do have to learn to share....*shiver* I'm spoiled. Sharing is hard. Sharing anything, ANYTHING is hard. Secrets, moments, friends...everything. Can I tilt my head to see this from a perspective at least I know who the other girl is? Maybe. I don't know yet.

I kind of need a slap in the face. I'm sure of that now. Because it's a reflex to play "doll" and run from things that stress me out. I need to find the frame of mind that won't force me to drink to ignore the stress and spend days sleeping.

Focus. Come on Z. Focus.